November 24, 2009
I'll Say It Anyway
I see him online most of the time, but he never even say hi knowing that he sees me already. Maybe he's too busy, or just really not interested talking to me, that I don't know, I know its too demanding on my side, but damn I want him to talk to me even for a while, not like this ignoring me...I'm pathetic.
One day, I don't know what came to me and suddenly I missed him, my feelings are uncontrollable anymore, I wanted him to know how I feel about him. That I like him. Its like I woke up and I wanted him to know it.
Yeah, I'm impulsive at times, you might say.
I thought its best that he would know. Bahala na...
I texted him "how are you?"
"am good, you?"
"I saw on your face book status that your friends saying you have someone left behind at UAE...am jealous hehe" I tried to make it sound casual
"yeah, but its nothing, I just pasted a quote from somewhere and many of them reacted, its nothing. And besides why you'll be jealous, we're friends, right?"
"but what if, i tell you I like you?" there, I finally said it. I was inside the Pediatric ICU when I texted that, It took him a while before he replied. I know he's thinking what to say or he might be surprised with the revelation. I was doing something when he replied, I immediately went on on the stock room so that staffs wont see me texting LOL.
"you like me? but we're friends...and besides I'm not yet ready for another commitment. Let's be friends for now, who knows eventually it could lead to something special" he said
I was hurt and my pride was shattered.
Hmp, wag ko lang malalaman na magkaka bf ka soon kundi papatayin kita LOLLLLLLLLLL!!! may murderous intent haha. Joke lang!
The next messages I typed was: "OK, now I need to avoid you, I cant be friends with you knowing that I like you, it will be very painful to me seeing you most of the time..." jusko ang drama ko! haha
"but why...I thought we'll gonna be very close friends and now you want to avoid me?" he texted
"I dont know if I can be with you, it will be very hard for me..."-- me. Wow todo na kaartehan ko!
"OK, if that's what you want, good luck. It was nice knowing you mac..." his last text.
I had this sudden strike of loneliness after I read and erased his messages. It took me a while to concentrate on work, but knowing my personality, I immediately adjusted and my emotions shifted to the jolly person that always in me. I'm really thankful I have great colleague and friends on this side of the world.
I erased all links on him. Its my way of forgetting someone. It worked most of the time. I went to bed and the next day I hardly missed him at all!!!Waaaaa! I thought I will be down and aching cause technically he rejected me haha. And my romantic fantasies gone, but where is my pain????
Realization sinked in...that it was just a product of my desire to have somebody so bad that a simple infatuation I felt on him made me say that. A product of the whole week of fun being with him. And he was right, its better we could be friends, and that's what I want from the start, a gay friend like me...
A friend is much better, a good friend wont be too easy to find. A friend stays at your side.
As soon as I realized these, I texted him, I apologized " Aldwin, am sorry for what I said last night..."
No reply. I called. He cancelled. Is he mad? I asked myself.
He texted me "I'll talk to you later, am in a meeting right now".
A whole day have passed and he didn't call back.
--to be continued...