Showing posts with label gay son. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay son. Show all posts

May 13, 2012

Paghabol



Naalala ko pa nun pitong taong gulang palang ako nang ihinabilin mo ko kina Ninang dahil may lakad kayo ng kaibigan mo.

Ayaw ko magpaiwan kaya iyak ako ng iyak at nagmamakaawa na isama mo ko.

Hanggang sa pumara kayo ng jeep at sumakay umiiyak pa din ako. Sigaw ng sigaw. Mama's boy na mama's boy ako sabi nina Ninang.

Nun halos paandar na ang jeep na sinasakyan nyo, kumawala ako sa pagkakahawak ni Ninang at humabol sa sasakyan na pumapalahaw pa din ng iyak. Sa bilis ng takbo ko hindi ako inabutan ni Ninang.

Sumampa ako sa entrada ng jeep habang tumatakbo ito. Nabigla ang lahat sa pagsakay ko. Natakot sila na muntik na ko mahulog sa pagsakay. Nagtitinginan na ang ibang pasahero. Pinatigil nyo ang pag andar sa driver at napilitan kang bumaba muli hawak hawak ako ng mahigpit sa braso.

Galit na galit ka. Naalala ko pa kung pano mo ko pinalo ng sinturon nun mga panahon na yun. Sa bandang huli naiwan pa din ako sa bahay ni Ninang.

Hindi nabago ng mga palo ng sinturon at mga kurot mo sa tagiliran ko ang pagtingin ko sa yo Nay. Lagi nalang akong hahabol at pipilitin makabalik sa piling mo. Kahit anong mangyari.

Nung hinahatid ka namin sa airport para mag trabaho sa gitnang silangan para matugunan ang mga pangangailangan ko sa iskwela, sabi mo para sa akin to. Para sa kinabukasan ko. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang sakripisyo mo sa kin Nay. Itinago mo ang takot at pag aalinlangan na makipag sapalaran sa malayong lugar na walang kakilala.

Para akong nabalik sa edad na pitong taong gulang noon...muli kong naramdaman ang pag nanais na humabol muli sa yo. Gusto kong humabol ng iyak at pigilan ka. Ang bigat sa dibdib. Ang hirap.

Iba na ang sitwasyon ngayon, 17 na ko. Hindi na 7 years old. Pero bakit parang gusto kong humagulgol na parang nasa edad na pito akong muli?

Hindi ka namin nakitang umiyak tanda ng kakatatagan ng loob mo sa paglisan mong yun...hindi ka na din muli pang lumingon.

Marami akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa mga ginawa mo para sa aming magkapatid Nay. Walang katumbas ang mga sakripisyo at pagkalinga mo sa amin. Alam ko na kahit papano, nasuklian ka namin ng kaligayahan. Natapos ko ang kurso ko at may maayos na trabaho ngayon. May makulit kang panganay na apong lalaki at bagong bagong apo na baby girl mula sa kapatid ko.

Salamat at tanggap mo na din na di na ko mag aasawa pa. Wag ka mag alala...balang araw may maipapakilala din ako sayo na lalakeng magmamahal sa kin ng tapat. Di ko lang alam kung kelan :-)

Alam kong ito nalang ang ninanais mo para sa akin. Wag ka mag alala...malay mo sumaya na din ako soon di ba?

Tatlong taon na mula nun huli ka namin nakasama. Maraming nangyari na di natin inasahan. At sana ngayong darating na Disyembre...sana matuloy tayo...

Sama sama tayong muli.

Isang buong pamilya kahit saglit.

See you soon Nay.

Happy Mother's Day sa 'yo.


March 12, 2012

A Father And Son Story


Are you close to your father? -I'm not.

Do you love your father? -I don't.

Do you hate your father? -not anymore.

I know you're curious about my answers.

Well, me and my dad had a very long history of disagreements and fights. We have this great big wall between us, its too late to break it now. Even if he's trying to reach out for me, I just can't restart all over it again with him.

I just can't find it in my heart.

When I was a kid: I like to watch Variety shows. That time it was Sharon Cuneta's variety show! LOL! (Blame my mom she idolized her!)

He gets mad at me. He wants me to watch NBA or PBA!

I like staying home and read magazines and gossips and celebrities and all. He gets mad. He wants me to play with the boys outside.

He wants me to play ball....But I played my friend's balls. LOL

For him, its a disappointment to have a son like me. He can never accept me. He was embarrased of me. His friends....his brothers...all teased him to have a "malamya son" like me.

So he will get back at me.

He yelled at me. I yelled at him.

He said fucked you. I said fuck you too.

He pushed me. I pushed him back.

Everyday was like hell for many years.

Mom, defended me. They would fight.

I left home and lived with my aunts. He would check me out, because my mom wanted him to.

I hate him so much then. I wanted to put him in an elderly home when he reached old age and will let him rot in hell. And not attend his funeral.

Many years have passed. I'm older. He's older....somehow I felt, that he accepted my preferences.

I forgave him.

I saw change in him.

I see him everyday.

But he's just an ordinary person to me now...

Like a neighbor...

Like a boarder at home....

He's nice too me.

But I'm just civil.

He asked something. I answer. Just One word.

I assessed my self. I'm not angry anymore. I just don't feel anything about him.

We can't be friends.

If he dies, maybe... I'll cry.

Maybe not.

One things is for sure.

I'll die for my Mom.


***


This is a re-post from February of 2009. Exactly three years ago. Funny, I still feel the same way about him.

January 21, 2011

Ito Ang Simula II: Pagbuo Sa Mga Piraso


Itinayo ako ng tiyahin ko mula sa pagkakasadlak ko sa sahig pagkatapos ako hilahin dun ni tatay palabas ng bahay. Ibinagsak nya ang pinto pagkatapos. Nakakatawa kapag binabalikan ko sa alaala ang mga pangyayaring ito, Oh di ba, parang isang drama lang sa telebisyon...

Wala akong tigil sa pagmumura ng pabulong sa tatay ko...Isinumpa ko siya sa galit...matagal na nasa kalooban ko yun plano na:

"Gago ka...pagtanda mo, tandaan mo to, itatapon ka naming magkapatid sa ampunan ng matatanda hanggang sa mabulok ka dun at mamatay..."

Naramdaman nyo na ba yun sobrang galit na halos sumakit ang dibdib nyo?

Nakatungo ako habang patuloy pa ding umiiyak patungo sa bahay ng tiyahin ko likod ng bahay namin. Isang compound kasi kami. Na-appreciate ko si tita nun mga time na yun. Mahal din pala nya ko, sa isip ko. Nun maisip ko nanay ko, lalo ako napaiyak...kung andito si nanay di ako gaganituhin ni tatay, may magtatanggol sakin...hikbi ko...

Kasalanan niya kung bakit napilitan mag trabaho bilang DH si nanay sa Qatar noon, kahit di siya sanay magtrabaho, ginawa nya, kahit alam kong takot na takot ang kalooban ng nanay ko, kinaya nya, kasi ayaw nya magutom kami, dahil hindi kumikilos ang tatay ko para kumita...wala na nga kami pera, hindi pa namin masakyan ang kakaibang pag uugali niya...nahihirapan kami sa knya...isa rin yun marahil kaya narindi na ang nanay ko at lakas loob na namasukan sa ibang bansa....

Huli ko nalang nalaman na ginawa pala ng nanay ko yun pag a-abroad: "Kasi mag kokolehiyo na si Mac...gusto nya magkolehiyo..." sabi niya sa isang kaibigan nya.

Ako pala ang tunay na dahilan bakit niya ginawa yung pagsasakripisyong yun...ambait ng nanay ko taena.

Taena. Yun nalang nasabi ko nun. At sinumpa ko na aalagaan at mamahalin ko nanay ko hanggang sa huling sandali ng buhay ko. Mahal na mahal ko si nanay.

Nag umpisa akong buo-in muli ang sarili ko, pulutin at idikit-dikit ang nawala kong pakatao na nagkalat sa kung saan saan...Sinubukan kong mabuhay muli...

Pagkatapos ng insidente sa bahay namin, dun ako tumuloy sa bahay ng pamilya ng Ninang ko, kapatid siya ng nanay ko, inaanak nya ako sa binyag, kaya Ninang ang tawag ko sa knya imbes na tita.

Worried man akong iwanan ang nag iisa kong kapatid na babae sa piling ng tatay ko, wala ako choice...

Paborito nila ako, magaan ang loob nila saming magkapatid kahit nun mga musmos pa kami. Nagsumbong agad ako sa kanila, galit galit sila. "Huwag ka na babalik sa inyo, dito ka nalang, walang'ya talaga yang tatay mo..."

Tumawag si nanay kinagabihan nun malaman niya nangyari sakin, ramdam kong alalang-alala siya sakin...halos isumpa niya ang tatay ko sa galit nya. Dito na rin unti unti'ng nawala ang pagmamahal niya sa tatay ko.

Pagkalipas ng ilang araw, dinalaw ako ni tatay. Civil sa kanya lahat ng tao sa bahay ng mga Ninang ko. Pero di ko siya kinausap. Bahala ka sa buhay mo, hudas ka, bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Ilang beses siyang bumalik balik, para siguro mawala galit sa knya ng nanay ko at mga kamag anak nila. Para sa sarili niyang kapakanan kaya siya dumadaan sa bahay na yun, hindi para mag sisi sa ginawa niya sakin.

Mahirap din pala makisama sa bahay ng kamag anak, isa yan sa mga napatunayan ko. Mababait sila, di kami nagugutom kasi well-off naman yun pamilya nila. Pero parang de-numero ang bawat galaw ko, bawat gawin ko. Tumutulong ako sa gawaing bahay, natuto ako magluto ng simpleng putahe gaya ng nilagang itlog at pritong hotdog LOL!

Pero parang laging kulang ang ginagawa ko, kapag pa upo-upo lang ako, parang naiinis si Ninang...lagi kang pinaghahanapan. Ano ba ko pamangkin o katulong?natanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero wala ako masasabing masama sa mga pinsan ko. Lagi silang nakasuporta sa akin.

Nag enroll ako sa isang pribadong kolehiyo sa Laguna pagkalipas ng ilang buwan, nanay ko ang magpapadala ng pang matrikula at sina Ninang sa baon ko. 50 pesos lang baon ko nun, imagine! Di ko alam pano ako nabuhay ng ganun sa college!hahaha (that's around 1996).

Pero pahirapan bago nila ako bigyan ng baon sa araw araw...parang hirap silang bigyan ako, minsan nag-tutulog-tulugan siya. Minsan, nagtitiis nalang ako di kumain sa school, kasi wala ako extra.

Nakakaawa na nakakatawa ang itsura ko nun college, pag binabalikan ko, napapa-ewwww! at yuckkkkk! nalang ako, nakamahabang buhok na hating hati sa gitna na nilalagyan ko pa ng gel, take note ang gamit ko pa nun e "michael's styling gel" LOL. Mata ko lang din ang walang taghiyawat, ewan ko ba galit na galit silang lahat kaya kung magtubuan sila parang wala lang...

Panalo din ang salamin ko sa mata! Ang lalaki ng frame at ke kapal ng grado. At kapag ngumiti ako, maglalabasan ang sobra sobra kong ngipin na patong patong na parang sa chainsaw!

Ang Cute oh!LOL

Ang outfit? Maong na binili sa palengke, Wragler pa nga tatak, imbes na Wrangler. tapos ang nag iisa kong sapatos, jologs na jologs pa na binili namin sa Footsteps nun pasko, may batik na shirt pa ata ako nun! ika nga nila: Barrio-tic!!!!!!!!! as in kakadiri talaga!

Mahirap makihalubulo sa mga mapo-porma at may mga kaya sa school namin dati. Ang lakas ng inferiority complex ko, at ang self steem ko, sing-baba ng mga parasite sa kanal.

Kumuha ako ng kursong nursing nun unang taon, pero taena di ko kinaya ang mathematics for nurses! Sumuko ako! nakakarindi ang computation. OO aaminin ko, bugok ako sa math! LOL Nag shift ako ng course sa hilera ng mga Therapist ako pumili...

Pero tiniis ko ang sangda-makmak na anatomy, biochemistry, zoology at kung anong anik anik pa bago ko makuha ang diploma!

Lumipat na rin si nanay sa Dubai para mag work, hindi na siya DH dun. Natuwa ako, kasi alam kong di nya kaya mag DH. Maayos ang naging lagay nya sa bagong trabaho nya. Nakokopya ko na rin ang mga way ng pananamit ng mga student sa school namin, na-e-exposed na ako sa mga malls at sa mga tambayan. "Sushal" na?!

Mejo jologs pa din...pero mejo-mejo nalang naman!LOL

Mas itinago ko pa ang pagiging bading ko. Pinilit kong magpakalalake, pinilit kong wag magkaroon ng rason ang mga tao na kutyain ako. Masaya ang buhay ko sa kolehiyo. Ang buhay istudyante....hay kaka-miss tuloy. Isa to sa mga masasayang parte ng buhay ko na di ko makakalimutan.

October 1, 2010

Father.Son.BF.


Clayton's dad arrived to Manila yesterday, after many years of working abroad, he finally decided to quit and stay for good. His dad don't want him to be gay. So my baby-baby is hiding inside his big closet full of skeletons with pink ribbons on the head! Nyahaha!

I told him to go home early and meet his dad. But Clayton said he'll be very late to have a grand entrance!

Anong kaeklatan yun? artista?!

When I'm about to sleep, I texted him:

Iidlip muna ko, i-kumusta mo nalang ako sa "Papa" natin...hehe. Goodnight.

(Goodnight, I'll take a nap, Clay...send my greetings to "our" DAD)

OK, kamusta ka din daw. Mahalin mo daw ako ng todo-todo sabi nya! LOL

(OK, he said hi too. He said, you should love me more than enough!LOL)

Napailing nalang ako... bumanat na naman si Tanga hehe

It made me smile though.

And told myself, Damn, I love this crazy bastard!

Makatulog na nga! :-)

February 25, 2010

Matchmaker In The Making!


I opened my phone and read the text messages, one came from my mom. She's asking about my email address. She said she will give it to someone, I thought its about work or some paper work that she needs to send me, that's why without any question, I keyed in my ad and sent it to her.

After a while, my phone rang. Its her.

Mom:" Your email address is weird. Where did you get that?!"

Me:" I'm creative, you know!"

Mom: "I asked about your email, because I have one student at our ballroom class and he wants to know you..."

I got confused what she meant at first. "Wait, wait, slow down, what do you mean mother?!"

Mom: "well, he's gay and I talked about you, and he said he wanted to know you, and I promised him I will give him your email, and he said, he wants to chat with you some time".

I was in a shock! Is this really my mom I'm talking to???? I mean we never talk about my sexuality ever. As in for me, what you see is what you get with regards to my folks. But I'm pretty sure they knew already, but this is the first time, my mom, in reality showed me how she already embraced my true personality.

I suddenly wanna cry...

and laugh too! Imagine, my mom is hooking me up with some gay guy at Dubai!!!hahahaha. I composed my self and answered her on the phone. "so what about this gay guy? how old is he?"

Mom: "He's 34 and very much single. He's also looking for some special guy"

Me:" OK mom, you have my blessings, give him my email ad!" LOL

I suddenly felt very light and happy. I love my mom! Soon she'll be joining me here at Doha, hope I could get her a job and a nice place to stay. If not, she have to bear the thought of going back to my Dad back home! too bad for her! *Toinks!*

Note: Mom and Dad are not on good terms. In my mom's mind, they're separated already, but dad still on denial.

July 16, 2009

Acceptance is the Key


I was talking to a new found friend here at Doha when we talked about her family,her kids...she told me that her young son is showing early signs of "joining the other side"...that at first her husband was frustrated about it and trying to stop it from developing. He don't want a gay son.

"He was beating him with a belt and don't want him to be gay...its really obvious that he is different,he likes girl's stuffs, he wanna wear girly clothes..." she was laughing while telling me these things

"One time when he was sick we brought him to the doctor and talked about our son's sexuality and he advised us that the acceptance should start with the family...his own parents..."

"That how can anyone or the society accept him if his own blood cannot accept what he is"

"The kid will develop some insecurity and he wont be able to enjoy his childhood to the fullest if at an early age he encounters hardship already. That's why after that, my husband and I decided to accept him straight or not, we will love him and support him all the way...we have a gay son, that's it." she said.

I salute her and her husband for being so proud of their son, I was thinking at that moment that their son is so lucky having them as parents and that what if I have a dad like that? would the situation in our family will be different? as you all know that I am not close to my dad and that many years ago I despised him and cursed him to death haha.Well, that was in the past now.

February 11, 2009

Father And Son Story

Are you close to your father? -I'm not.

Do you love your father? -I don't.

Do you hate your father? -not anymore.

I know you're curious about my answers.Well,me and my dad had a very long history of disagreements and fights.We have this big wall between us, its too late to break it now.Even if he's trying to reach out for me,I just can't restart all over it again with him.

I like to watch Variety shows.He gets mad at me.He wants me to watch NBA or PBA!

I like staying home and read magazines and all.He gets mad.He wants me to play with the boys outside.

He wants me to play ball.But I played my friend's balls.LOL

He yell at me.I yell at him.

He said fuck you.I said fuck you too.

He pushed me.I pushed him back.

Everyday was like hell for many years.

My mom,defended me.They fight.

They're separated now.

I left home.He checked me out,because my mom wanted him to.

I hate him so much then.I wanted to put him in an elderly home when he reached old age and will let him rot in hell.And not attend his funeral.

Many years had passed.He accepted my preferences.

But I forgave him.He changed a lot.

I see him everyday.He's just an ordinary person to me now.

Like a neighbor.Like a boarder at home.

He's nice too me now.But I can't be nice to him.

Its too deep.I can't forget it.

I can't eat dinner with him at the other side of the table.

I'll loose appetite.I eat at my room.

He asked something.I answer.Just One word.

I assessed my self.I'm not angry anymore.I just don't feel anything about him.

If he dies maybe I'll cry.Maybe not.

One things is for sure.

I'll die for my Mom.

January 25, 2009

Are You A Mama's Boy?

I just watched this movie "Ice castle" I remember this movie from my childhood days hehe I think I first saw this film when I was 10 years old with my mom and it brings back some sweet memories...we cried together with this movie and it made me cry once again.I mean Im so close to my mom,I'm proud to say Im a mama's boy hehe.

I dont know if most of us gay's and bi 's are this close to their mom,I mean are we mama's boys?Is it our mom's fault that we are gay?haha and that our dad is just out of the picture while we were growing up that there are no manly influence in our lives?(sisihin ba daw nanay niya!)

Are you closer to your mom than your dad?