Clayton still managed to sent me these shirts even though we are on a time off...its been 5 days now and we haven't talk or exchange a single message toward each other since.
I'm not mad anymore, actually I was not really that mad at him. Surprised maybe. Surprised with what I have found out I guess. He told me he never dated or cheated on me. That it was just a simple thing out of boredom. In my heart I want to believe him. And I did.
Maybe because I know Clayton is good guy.
I hope.
But out of respect with my self, and to teach him a lesson, I asked for a cool off. Because I'm supposed to get mad. Right?
There are two shirts he sent me. This one has a print that says: Single. Maybe he wanted me to choose between the two. But I'm still thinking if this would be my love life status from now on...
After a careful thought... finally, I listened to my heart and decided to wear the other shirt...
We need some time off. I told him. To think. To see if I could still trust him. But one thing is sure. I still love him.
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
"Mahal na mahal kita...nagkamali ako, oo admitted ko yun...alam ko ang feeling ng mawalan, at ayoko na maulit yun. Siguro sa cool off na to, papayag ako...pinukol na din ako ng sarili kong bato sa ulo. Pero sana, mahanap mo sa puso mo yung mapatawad ako at ituloy yung kung saan tayo mapuputol. Kasi i love you. And i mean it."
(I love you so much...I know its my fault, I wont deny it...I know how it feels to lose someone, and I don't want that to happen again. I may have agreed on this time off, but i do hope that you could find in your heart to forgive me. Because I love you. and I mean it.)
It was almost dark when I woke up, I came from a night shift, so I slept the whole day. Its a habit for me to check messages on my cel first before getting up from the bed. Three sms from Clayton. We just ended our cool off which supposed to be for a week! But only lasts 3 days LOL. We are starting over again and he told me he will visit his cardiologist that day.
Its not serious, he told me. But he still want to have it check.
But his messages made me worried:
"Are you awake? Doctor told me, the findings are still unsure..."
"Bebe, I realized my shortcomings with our relationship, for taking you for granted, I don't know, I didn't mean that. Maybe Im not use to the idea of spending much time with someone...I feel ashamed. I'm sorry Mac..."
"Bebe are you awake now? wala lang..."
Hold on, is this really my boyfriend?!!!! LOL
I mean he's not like that! He's always goofy and cheesy most of the time but not serious. In my mind: what happened to the test, maybe he is seriously ill, a bad heart condition! I immediately replied to his texts. But trying to be calm as possible.
Me: "that's good! That's why I asked for a cool off anyway, for you to realize stuffs...So what now?"
Clayton: "Nothing, I just wanna change. For us. Please help me..."
Me: "I already told you what I noticed about you...its up to you now..."
Clayton: "No, I'm asking for your patience. If you can't stand me anymore, or you got tired of me already, just tell me...I'll take the blame. Its on me..."
Now it got me more worried! Its seems I'm talking to a different person! I'm nervous, damn it! Maybe he just don't wanna tell me he is dying! I mean why on earth you would speak as if you have a dying wish like that, and you wanna make up for all the stuffs you think you did was bad????
Me: "wait, wait..what led to this realization Clayton? Tell me!!! grrrrr!
Clayton: " When I was having the doctor's check up...I suddenly realized that life is so short...and I want to make into reality my plans with you for the future."
Me: "what does the doctor told you? You sounds like the findings are serious! Its like your dying!"
Clayton:" No idea Bebe. My mom's the one talking to him. I don't wanna hear what he has to say. Its better that way. What we don't know wont hurt us, ayt?hehe. Like what I've said before and mean it...I love you, Mac. As in uber..."
Me:" I love you too Clayton. Andaya mo naman..kakainis ka...you're only making me worried here! Tell me the result, I know you already knew!!!"
Clayton:" No need to worry. I'm good. I don't want you to think of anything else. Just focus on work, your family, friends...and us... Yun lang. Don't stress yourself. Mwah! "
Me:"Maybe there is already a findings and the result, you just don't wanna tell me!! ano bah!!!!!!!!!"
I'm restless that night. I wanna know the truth. I want to squeeze it out from him.
Clayton:" Gago! Wag ka nga ganyan. Takte ka! sasabihin ko naman agad noh. Duh. Pumasok ka na nga sa work! Pinapainit mo ulo ko eh! hahaha. I love you."
(idiot! don't be like that! damn you! I will tell you if its something ok? Go to work, you're annoying me! hahaha. I love you)
I was laughing too hard when he said that! I could imagine his face being so half annoyed! hayyyyy. I said goodnight to him and did a little prayer up above that my boyfriend will be OK.
Sometimes a little time and space could help both parties to re-think, re-evaluate their own feelings, and to see what are missing...
What are needed to be done in the future...To have a more meaningful and contented relationship...Its just a step to improve each other, a step to know one's weakness.
This might also lead to something awful and sad...
But if both are really meant for each other, no matter what they go through...
No matter what trials they go through...I know
Love will find their own way to bring both hearts together.
Update: Sept.10,2010 --> Me and clayton are Ok now. I just hope for the best...
There are two shirts he sent me. This one has a print that says: Single. Maybe he wanted me to choose between the two. But I'm still thinking if this would be my love life status from now on...
