April 30, 2010

Lunok Lang Ang Pahinga

I was chatting with an old friend from Saudi Arabia at yahoo messenger last time and she was asking me for favor: can you help me transfer to your hospital? she said. We worked together at a local hospital back in the Philippines for five years. She's one of my closest friend.

When I flew here at Doha to work, she remained there. Until I heard that she too after a few months, applied and work at Saudi instead. I asked why she wanted to transfer and resign from her work this soon, she's only been there for 6months I think.

"Mac, lunok lang pahinga ko dito!" (Mac, my only rest here in when I swallow my saliva!LOL) she said. I laughed, she's a funny girl even before.

"Why did you applied there in the first place? I told you not to go to Saudi!" I reprimanded her, I intentionally avoided applying there, because I knew so many restrictions there. I chose Qatar and Dubai when I was planning to work outside the country.

"I know, now I'm in hell! I can stand the work you know, but the people, my colleague, they are the real problem!" she continued.

She told me that in their department, the senior staffs and other employee are on competition with each other, they're not helping each other, if you don't know something they will shame you in front of other staffs, the tensions are too high, you see when you work abroad, everything was totally different, the machines, the procedures, protocols, so you have too many adjustments to make.

"I always have this feeling of fear whenever I go to work..." she said. " I saw your face book's photos, I was so jealous when you can have the parties and drinks all you want! In here its like we are in prison on our own houses! We don't even have cinemas!huhuhu"

There's clubs, bands, concert venues, and alcohol in Qatar, its an open city, still a muslim country but the restrictions are lesser than Saudi. We have cinemas all around here!

Unlike in the hospital I'm working with, when I came, I was like a newborn baby, I don't know a thing about those machines (mechanical ventilators, breathing apparatus, gadgets, etc.,) we don't have those in the Philippines, all are high-tech here! They trained me for a month, taught me this and that until I got familiar with all of them.

But the good thing here, my colleagues are all very friendly and approachable, its never a competition here, you could ask your senior staffs if I was unsure or in doubt of something, they all have time to help me, because they said, they knew the feeling of being a new comer. They're all been there. We have a great time at work, joke around, the atmosphere are very light, that's what missing in her department.

I mean, who could work peacefully if you knew the people around you are like evil villains on a movie! Its like there's no peace of mind and especially when you know you're not even happy!

I am very grateful that I am in a place where I am now. So I have her resume and helping her to move here. Im crossing my fingers...

April 25, 2010

First Month Of Many To Come

Today is a special day for us, even though we're miles apart, but it doesn't stop us from loving each other.

Thanks to technology and so glad we live on the 21st century or else we would be stuck on snail mails instead of emails, web cam, cellphones, and chats (add porn too!LOL).

I never thought we could have the mutual feeling towards each other, its like only yesterday whenever I read your blog, how you loved or being hurt by your partner that my heart aches and jealousy was eating me alive and wishing I was the one loving you and the one you love.

I felt your pain, and wished I was beside you and let you cry on my shoulder...

I wished that I was the one drying your tears when ever you are hurt...

Gonna tell you everything is alright...and kiss you goodnight....

But you're mine now...after a year of secretly loving you...

Don't care what they're gonna say, I am gonna be so selfish and bury you deep inside my heart so that you will always be close to me to feel my love, that no one can take you away from me...

I love you EDC...

I love you "my bleeding angel"(click to see his blog)

Happy 1st monthsary...

(Nyahaha sobrang cheesyyyyyy LOL! wait, I posted the song he usually sang for me, that has become our theme song hehe)

"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world....."

April 23, 2010

Present Stressful Events

I felt fully charged today after sleeping for almost 12 hours straight! Its been a while since I last slept like that. I wanna beat my friend's record of sleeping for 16 hours but I just cant!haha. Even if I had enough believe me I'm still sleepy right now! Well, anyway, its my day off today, I need this rest because tomorrow is my big debut duty at the Accident and Emergency room!(ER) waaaaaaaaa!

This is my punishment for being late at work often they said, and being too lazy to do overtime work!LOL We are actually at the general hospital, but my contract is for the special hospital that is on its finishing touches and would open this September, at the Cardiac Center. It is first of its kind here.

I'm nervous, I'm excited, and clueless if I'm going to make it!haha. ICU's are always been my fave area on the hospital, and the least are the operating rooms (OR) and wards. Been having duties at the ER before way back home, but gosh, in this hospital now in Doha, its soooooo different. Very demanding. All new protocols. I'm not on my safe zone anymore.

Its like divisoria! too much people and you never know who or what kind of people will come carrying their complaints! Like last time last year, many of the staffs are exposed to H1N1 because at first you would never knew what they're having until tested or seen by doctors. Sigh.

And what I'm worried about is, all the staffs are new to me, I would be like a wallflower in that chair with no one to talk to! haha. So i have to make new friends right away.

The only thing Im excited about this new experience is the cute ER gay guys...whew!Tons of them! I like! I like! toinks!

Another issue that's been bothering me lately is my first yearly vacation, I'm supposed to have it this July, for some reasons, many of my senior staff from other countries just listed their names on the same month! meaning Boss cannot allow too many staffs having leaves in a month. Since I'm a junior staff, my boss will grant their request first! I hate them! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

What will happen to our Boracay adventure? Been planning to have our honeymoon there! EDC is already working out his body to flaunt out on the beach!LOL

Its so annoying when your mind already set on one thing, its hard to accept any other options huhu.

And besides I cannot bear the thought that I will have to wait more more months to be with my love... I'm dying to hug and kiss and make love to EDC...

(I'm gonna grab his d*ck and kiss him hungrily the moment I see him!LOL)

He sent me a recording of his voice singing Love Me Tender, too bad I wasn't able upload it here, damn blogspot! He joined many singing contest before and as usual he didn't win! LOL! Joke lang mahal!

April 19, 2010

Gone Too Soon

My bleeper vibrated inside my lab coat pocket, I pressed the button and heard the nurse-in-charge's voice: Please come to pediatric ICU urgent...I didn't wait for it to finish, I came rushing, if they said urgent, then it is really super-dooper to the highest level urgent LOL!

I scanned the area which bed are they busy with, I saw a closed curtain, nurses are coming in and out in a quick manner. I went inside the curtain and saw the patient, the resident doctor are doing the chest compression (CPR) to the 6 year old local kid while the attending doctor is watching him and directing nurses to give this and that.

I approached the resident doctor and told him I'll do the CPR for him since he look tired already, he must've been doing it for a long time I guess, so i start the compression, 1-1000-2-1000-3-1000.... I counted in my mind. The boy's chest are already collapsed maybe due to chest trauma post CPR I was told this is his third time arresting.

As I was doing the CPR, I looked at the patient's face, he looks pale and gone...in other situations I must have appreciate his cuteness, I felt a great sense of regret for what is happening to him, he could've been playing, he could've been carefree and full of life...

"See, thats how you do great CPR, look at the cardiac monitor, you could tell if someone is doing it right..." I heard the attending doctor complimented me...but of course, how many CPR did I do way back home, some are lucky and some are don't, the thing is, you have to do it right, I don't know why others wasn't, I mean we all did have training.

I just smiled at him to show him that I appreciated his comment. I was getting tired and I said "change..." and the doctor took over while I rested and talked to the Filipina nanny...

"...he's been suffering for a long time, he is a kind kid...but we are all expected this to happen, his mom and dad are first cousins. Their two other children are like him too" she said. I saw the parents crying at the back. I imagined their fear of losing someone they love, and this time, their baby boy...

"Oh, that explains why..." I replied. tsk tsk...

Blood related marriage is still present in this country. We all have many patients suffering from illnesses and abnormalities due to this practice. I felt bad about it, the children are the one suffering to this tradition. I hope there will come a time for this to change. I just prayed that this child will be in our creator and have his own time to play and feel how to be a kid up there..free of any sickness...

We continued reviving him for 30 minutes until the doctors pronounced it: patient expired 4:35pm. He thanked all of us and talked to the family. Until we heard the mother's hysterical cry....


April 15, 2010

What Have Just Happened?!

I came home from a night shift, and EDC text me good morning, today marked our 2oth day as boyfriends, yeah, a long distance relationship. So far we are surviving, sms, calls, chats, and web cams. Too many plans are made, we were both excited this coming July where we could be united when I get my yearly vacation.

As usual we did chat, usual how are you's and I love you's, I told him I'm having tortang talong for breakfast, until sweet conversation turned sour!and spicy too!LOL. I was surprised that I had so much to say, and him as well, we are definitely fighting. My angel that was so gentle became a lion, we threw hurtful words towards each other.

"you don't love me the way I love you" I said

"nah, you don't love me the way I love you!' he snapped.

"you don't appreciate the things that I do. OK. I'm done..." he continued

" you don't have the initiative to do normal bf usually does..." ---me

"because you cant wait for me to do it!"--EDC

I wont go into details other things we said. We are both convinced that its not working. He said we have completely different views about relationship. I said, because you don't wanna meet halfway. I'm trying to reach him but he was so confined with his own ideas of things. He don't wanna give my ideas a try.

"You're childish Mac, grow up. You're expecting too much" He said. I cant believe he said that! That moron! I was hurt. In respond I typed these words to get back at him:

"Yeah maybe this really is a mistake. We just don't click." yeah I knew it hurt him so bad.
One thing for sure at that moment, I was totally turned off and about to say the magic words: Its over. I'm just waiting for the right time.

"So its over?" he asked. I felt his insecurity in that question. Should I say it now? My mind's saying 'yes, do it'. I typed these: Maybe it should be better if we stay friends. He said if that's what I want, its OK with him.

"I would miss you, you take good care of yourself 'ayt?" my parting words. There was a pause in him I thought he's already gone on the other end. Until he sent another message:

"I asked you if you are sure about this (our relationship) from the very start. You said you are. I also asked you we would encounter many trials, and you said, you can do it, you are very sure...but how come you're the one giving up?"

Those words almost killed me. I felt like he became a kid, a kid being ignored, a kid being so hopeless...I just wanna come where he was and hug him...

Until he sent me a draft of his blog entry that he wasn't able to finish yet. I almost cried when I read them. It felt so sincere and loving. I sighed....

"Let's just think this through, maybe you're not ready for this yet..." I composed my self and said. "I will always be here, loving you. I will be loving you on this far side of the world until you're ready..."

"You made me cry...I am ready Mac, but please try to understand that Im slowly building up myself again, picking up the pieces, I dont wanna feel the pain anymore, if I would have that kind of pain again, like what's happening between us now, I might not able to stand it..." he said.

I told him that we should think, and enough with the fighting already.

He typed :"So, we're over, right?

"tell me what do you want?"--me

A pause again.

"I want you to be with me, you're the only one I have left...you're the only I trust, you're the only one I dreamed of..." he said.

Juice ko di ko kinaya yun...!bumigay ako mga 'neng...LOL. mahal ko siya waaah!

I told him we should relax first and have a breather and think all through what has been said, that we would talk soon.

"Is this our last chat? Will I ever talk to you again?" him

"No, i love you so much that it aches..."me

"I love you so much that I dont care even if its aches..."

This was our exact conversation in tagalog before we said goodbye, sorry to my foreign readers hehe.

"Di ko tuloy natapos tong tortang talong ko...kaw kasi! (now I wasn't able to finish my breakfast, its your fault!)" I said instead, enough of the dramatics already.

"Gago ka Mac! Wag mo ko iiwan, mahal na mahal kita! (Damn you Mac! Dont ever leave me, I love you so much)" he replied, I knew the tension was over and I smiled with his words typical SIGA attitude of him. "Im sorry for all my shortcoming"

"I love you too, umayos ka kasi!" --me

"Kakagatin kita diyan e! mag sorry ka din ngayon na!"--him

"ok sorry na."-- me

"Galing sa ilong! Yun sincere naman, isa...dalawa..." he jokingly threatened me if I dont apologize hehe. "tatapukin kita jan, mag sorry ka din sakin"

"mahal na mahal kita, wag ka na nga magdrama at mag inarte diyan, tama na ang emote, puyat ka lang kaya ka ganyan..."he continued.

"Hindi ako maarte noh, kasi manhid ka"--me

"Kasi nga na pe-preempt mo yun mga balak ko, nawawala diskarte ko"--EDC

"E bilisan mo noh!"-- me

"mag antay ka kasi, ikaw din dami aali-aligid sakin.."--EDC

"Aba subukan mo lang tsi-tsinelasin kita diyan gusto mo???"--me

Sigh, I dont know why I love him inspite of this...Up to now I dont know what just happened, I was so sure I wanna break up with him earlier and turned out we're still together afterall! haha.

I just laughed so loud in my room. Maybe I am really crazy! Nyahaha!

April 7, 2010


My mind was made up already when I came in this country to work, that there would be no secret about who I am, about what I am. I don't wanna stress my self anymore on hiding the truth to my Filipino colleague. I'm done with that. I am out to my close friends, but majority are still guessing.

You know, that gut feeling that people talk behind your back asking "is he gay?" and you would do everything to prove them that you're not. You would check on your speech, on your hand gestures, on your walking, or even practice how to scream like a man when watching a horror flick when there's a scary scene!LOL

That's all too stressful!

So I decided, new country, new work place, new people, its high time to start "HONESTLY". I don't mean like announcing to every one or dressing like a she-male! that would get me to prison! toink!

I would still be my own self. But only transparent. I slowly revealed my self, one at a time, like one time I was having dinner with one colleague and I said "damn, I miss my ex boyfriend..." she almost choked after!LOL

Until words passed to one another blah-blah, some said they had a clue already and some doesn't have the slightest idea. They even had a surprise of their life when one of them are mismatching me with this straight guy and I bluntly said :" no, no, I only date gay guys too...."

"Whaaaat?" they asked in chorus with eyes wide open haha. I was like: are these people came from the Jurassic era?! They don't know that there's such a thing as gay to gay relationship. That concept was so new to them. They even expect me to wear make up or to love girly stuffs!waaaaa! I'm still very much of a man! I just love to love a...man.

At least now they knew, thanks to me they gained new information LOL! So, now I feel very free, no worries, no fear of thinking people might think I'm this or like that. Its a wonderful feeling to go to a workplace where you could be your self and wont be denying who you really are.

April 3, 2010

Im A Believer

Its holy week, but on this part of the world...is not. LOL. I kinda miss the Easter atmosphere back home, when every one is on vacation, when my sis would make "sariwang lumpia" during this season, and the bible inspired movies shown on TV.

Here, its like a normal day. We go to work and go home and all. Some of my friends are doing the fasting, I was asked during dinner by my colleague :

"Mac, why are you eating meat when every one else is not?"

"I'm not a catholic" I simply answered her.

"What is your religion then?" her again

"I don't have a specific religion.." I laughed. "I don't go to church and listen to masses or lectures. But I do respect all of them. "

I explained to her that, since I'm a gay guy, some teachings are about, man and woman, that homosexuality is a sin blah-blah. So I stopped attending masses anymore. FYI: I used to attend some christian meetings too. I felt shame whenever I attended masses then loving another man when I get home. So I stopped.

"But do you believe in God?" she asked me again.

"Yes with all my heart. I just have a very very personal relationship with HIM. I pray every night, every chance I have, I praised him on every blessings I received. I talk to HIM on my own special way. Deep in my heart I know that he loves me, deep inside I know that he loves me back that what ever I am, as long as I do good, as long as I don't harm any one, as long as I am a loving and responsible person. He would accept me."

"Want some beef steak?" I asked her but she politely said "no, thanks".

Note: You should see the movie "Prayers for Bobby" such an excellent film, its one movie that made me realize that God loves us all. It answers all the doubts and questions in my mind.