November 12, 2011
I made a mistake and we broke up. I asked for his forgiveness. I literally begged for him to take me back...I was like crazy piece of shit. No pride. Nothing.
Looking back, I realized how silly and how pathetic he might think of me then.
He said that its my fault and that I should suffer the consequences. I was so heart broken and all I did was blaming myself.
I didn't realize that it would come to this point. A break up.
Another break up, I said to myself. But no matter how many times I've been in this position, why does it always have to be so fucking painful?
I've been with too many guys before and yet the pain was all the same when we're breaking up! Fucking heart! fucking emotions! Fucking love!
Andali ko kasi ma-inlove! Something is wrong with me. I guess.
We were just doing fine before. We're happy. Everything's going smoothly. Why can't it be back to the way they were?
Nothing lasts forever, they say.
Two weeks later, I received a message from him telling he'd come over to our house. I was so glad when I realized whats goin on...Maybe, just maybe...he forgave me afterall! That he still loves me after all!
When he arrived, he's as cold as ice. He hardly talked to me. As if nothing changes. Was he still mad at me? But why is he here?
I wanted to talk. I wanted to explain. I wanted us to be "us" again.
Instead, He pulled me up from the couch and took me to my room. He undressed himself and lay down on my bed. He's like a God looking straight at me. I was just staring at him.
Damn, how i missed you. I whispered to myself.
Come. Take your clothes off. He said.
I did and joined him in the bed. His lips are tight. Not saying anything. He pushed my head down on his chest...on his abdomen...on his manhood.
He moaned with pleasures...I did everything...I wanted to make up for everything....He's my God and I am his slave.
I love this guy and I want him to forgive me. I want him to take me back. He's here and it made me real happy.
But am I really happy?
I was on top of him and I'm about to kiss him when he moved away his lips. Pushing my face away...
No, no kissing. He said.
Pain rushed through my face down to my chest and ended inside my heart. Slicing my heart. I felt it bleed.
We could have sex, but no kissing. Is that it? I said.
Let's just get over this ok? he answered.
And in seconds he shifted our positions and he was on top of me. Sliding himself inside of me. Pushing. Rushing. In ravage. A dance that we used to dance. A kind of dance that I don't know how anymore.
A dance to inflict pain. A dance to punish.
In minutes later, he was gasping, heavily breathing. He was finished.
And all this time all I did was just stared at him. His lovely face. His tightly sealed lips. His burning eyes.
I wanna touched them. I wanna remove all the anger, all those mixed emotions I've seen in his eyes. Did I turned him into something so evil?
But, I love him so much...I asked for his forgiveness...am I not worth forgiving? Did he stop loving me already?
I was still on the bed looking blankly at him when he started wearing his clothes again on the floor.
Tears fell down on my eyes when I've heard the door closes. He left. He's done with my punishment. He's done with breaking my heart once again.
Two days later and the same thing happened. He texted me. He arrived. He took me to my room. He undressed himself. He fucked. He came. He left.
He didn't even look at me. He didn't even bother talking to me. He avoided my lips again.
I was just an outlet. I was just a fucking shit to him. A fucking machine. When he felt like fucking, he's turned on and off. I felt like a whore.
But why do I still love him? Why do I still wish he'd come back to me and all of this shall pass.
But that's the last time I've seen him. He never called. Never texted me. Never came back. Maybe he got tired of punishing me.
I never thought a loving guy that I love is capable of this. He was so gentle and caring...
And I looked at the mirror and seen my reflection...I never thought I would look like this. Empty.
I was literally thrown into the floor in pieces. I've never seen or knew pain this much. Pain became my boarder. He became my companion. He lives inside me for a long time.
And this is me in the mirror.
To Mark. Thank you for introducing me to Mr. Pain hehehe. For the greatest pain I've received 6 years ago, Thank you for making me stronger. You made me realized, how much I could love a person so deeply that it hurts. I didn't know I'm capable of that. Wow. And I forgave you since. That's how I moved on. I forgave you.
How are you by the way? Hope you're alright. If not, good for you! chos! Ampalaya pa din pala?LOL