October 8, 2009
No More,No More
There was little light coming from the bathroom and the room was still dark, we're both on the bed and still naked. He was hugging me. This is the third time he shared my bed. I tried to kiss him, but he avoided my lips this time. I'm puzzled by his action, a while ago he was kissing me, responded to my kisses.
Why?whats wrong? I asked him.
"I haven't wash my mouth yet...and your mustache is a little painful on my lips..." he said
But I know he's lying. There's something more to it. So I guess he don't want kissing me after the sex, but during the sex its alright? WTF is that!!! Maybe in his mind he allowed a guy like me kissing him because he was delirious and so horny that time that its alright? but now that he is in his right mind he cant be kissed?
So I guess that's my cue. I said "OK, you can go now" he rose from the bed and went at the shower. I didn't move on the bed. I was still on it with my nakedness and wait for him to finish.In my mind, I made a decision that its gonna be the last time. This is my wake up call that I have had my fun, I have had my initiation that I wanted (LOL!) I experienced being a bottom, I felt the pain and the pleasure accompanied in it. So he's done! Out of my life. I can go back to my old conservative self now LOL!
Of course I've been thinking a lot for the past days, I am weighing things up. I know Im the loser on this set up. He is married. He's playing straight. On denial about his sexuality or maybe he's really straight, I don't know. Bottom line, he cant be mine. I'm just a sex machine whenever he needs and feels like using.
Reality check: I'm starting to like him. Signs and symptoms: I'm beginning to demand some more stuffs. Beginning to feel its not enough. Wanting to see him more often. But I don't love him...yet. I need to do something about this. So I came with this decision to avoid him now. I cannot afford to have another heartache this time.
I cannot afford to be used by his sexual desires. Whenever he want. I'm better than that. I'm a person deserving to be loved and to love. I have a lot of love to give. Just waiting for that someone to come by. I know he's looking for me too. Its just a matter of time. And when our paths are crossed I know it will be at the right time and right place.
I know I'm a hopeless romantic, but what can I do? That's me. I don't give up on love, yet. I know and I still believe in it. I have my own story, a happy ending. My book isn't finish yet, I still halfway through it, I still need my ending. My happy ever after. But is there a happy ever after? Or just in fairy tale?
Now I'm serious haha wow I cant believe I poured out my heart on you guys!Just wow!
Four days have passed and I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. I even avoided sending instant messages or text him. Its a complete avoidance on my part. I know I'm doing the right thing here. I prayed that God give me strength and to move on with my life. I had fun at work with my friends, kept myself busy (with farmville LOL).
A buzz and an instant message appeared on my screen when i woke up one night, its from dark guy.
"hmmm, someone seems to be very busy lately..."
"I haven't felt your presence lately too..."
"it seems you have other company in there instead of me huh"
I don't know what to think when I read them. Was he jealous? Was he missing me?
I replied: been busy lately, and I'm cooking now
"I was on the night shift and my sex life was down..." he said
"so, what are you cooking now? You really know how to cook?hehe" he added
I knew he's just playing friendly and eventually he'll just say he needs a f@ck! It made me annoyed.
I typed these words instead : you know what, stop the friendly conversation, why don't you just go to the point? I'm not in the mood to have sex now, I'm sorry, you could mast*rb*te instead.
He replied: You're just playing hard to get!
And signed out.
It made me smile.hehe.
I'm gonna focus on work. Have fun here. If a special someone comes, well, I'm willing to get to know him, who knows he will complete my story.
Bye for now.