October 8, 2009

No More,No More

There was little light coming from the bathroom and the room was still dark, we're both on the bed and still naked. He was hugging me. This is the third time he shared my bed. I tried to kiss him, but he avoided my lips this time. I'm puzzled by his action, a while ago he was kissing me, responded to my kisses.

Why?whats wrong? I asked him.

"I haven't wash my mouth yet...and your mustache is a little painful on my lips..." he said

But I know he's lying. There's something more to it. So I guess he don't want kissing me after the sex, but during the sex its alright? WTF is that!!! Maybe in his mind he allowed a guy like me kissing him because he was delirious and so horny that time that its alright? but now that he is in his right mind he cant be kissed?

So I guess that's my cue. I said "OK, you can go now" he rose from the bed and went at the shower. I didn't move on the bed. I was still on it with my nakedness and wait for him to finish.In my mind, I made a decision that its gonna be the last time. This is my wake up call that I have had my fun, I have had my initiation that I wanted (LOL!) I experienced being a bottom, I felt the pain and the pleasure accompanied in it. So he's done! Out of my life. I can go back to my old conservative self now LOL!

Of course I've been thinking a lot for the past days, I am weighing things up. I know Im the loser on this set up. He is married. He's playing straight. On denial about his sexuality or maybe he's really straight, I don't know. Bottom line, he cant be mine. I'm just a sex machine whenever he needs and feels like using.

Reality check: I'm starting to like him. Signs and symptoms: I'm beginning to demand some more stuffs. Beginning to feel its not enough. Wanting to see him more often. But I don't love him...yet. I need to do something about this. So I came with this decision to avoid him now. I cannot afford to have another heartache this time.

I cannot afford to be used by his sexual desires. Whenever he want. I'm better than that. I'm a person deserving to be loved and to love. I have a lot of love to give. Just waiting for that someone to come by. I know he's looking for me too. Its just a matter of time. And when our paths are crossed I know it will be at the right time and right place.

I know I'm a hopeless romantic, but what can I do? That's me. I don't give up on love, yet. I know and I still believe in it. I have my own story, a happy ending. My book isn't finish yet, I still halfway through it, I still need my ending. My happy ever after. But is there a happy ever after? Or just in fairy tale?

Now I'm serious haha wow I cant believe I poured out my heart on you guys!Just wow!

Four days have passed and I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. I even avoided sending instant messages or text him. Its a complete avoidance on my part. I know I'm doing the right thing here. I prayed that God give me strength and to move on with my life. I had fun at work with my friends, kept myself busy (with farmville LOL).

A buzz and an instant message appeared on my screen when i woke up one night, its from dark guy.

"hmmm, someone seems to be very busy lately..."

"I haven't felt your presence lately too..."

"it seems you have other company in there instead of me huh"

I don't know what to think when I read them. Was he jealous? Was he missing me?

I replied: been busy lately, and I'm cooking now

"I was on the night shift and my sex life was down..." he said

"so, what are you cooking now? You really know how to cook?hehe" he added

I knew he's just playing friendly and eventually he'll just say he needs a f@ck! It made me annoyed.

I typed these words instead : you know what, stop the friendly conversation, why don't you just go to the point? I'm not in the mood to have sex now, I'm sorry, you could mast*rb*te instead.

He replied: You're just playing hard to get!

And signed out.

It made me smile.hehe.


I'm gonna focus on work. Have fun here. If a special someone comes, well, I'm willing to get to know him, who knows he will complete my story.

Bye for now.


Michael Rivers said...

I've been in this same situation a few times. More than I like to think about. It's not easy!

Chronicler said...

Hello my friend. You gained something from that experience as you had your fill of pain and pleasure. You claimed you're not in love with him yet so it would be easier to forget him. Time to move on.

Anonymous said...

hey mac... hope ur doin fine.. btw, ur name resembles my machine :-). happened to visit ur blogsite 4 days ago and found out ur flair in writing... and ur story interests me.. good to hear some open people like.. im bob working in dubai... i know the right person will come to your life.. ive tried searching for mine two years ago since ive got the greatest depression ive ever experienced since my breakup with my 7-year bf... thought wont be able to start again... im in a relationship with a med intern in the phils now.. we're approaching 2 years now... it's abit difficult to have a LTR, but loyalty and respect are always there... just hang on.. ur right focus on ur work ... have faith that the right person is just lingering around...

marvin said...

"I'm just a sex machine whenever he needs and feels like using'"

taray!may ganito? hahahaha!

mac, nice title. somehow fits...

No MoreNo More. do the math:p


The best thing is that you managed to smile. :)

Walang darating kung walang aalis. :)

dudong said...

been reading your blog for quite some time now, and i must say that of all the entries i've read so far, this is the most engaging. i've been in a similar situation, and one thing i could tell you is ti just go with the flow. if you feel like seeing him, then do so. restraining yourself will just make you long for him even more. the real deal here is that you two are both attracted to each other, it's just that your levels of attractions are just not of equal.

Anonymous said...

its good that you have made a decision to boot him out of your life. the guy is married and is completely fine with being unfaithful - a really bad combination. you really deserve someone better! congrats bakla. empower yourself more. gow!!

Mac Callister said...

@michael rivers--thank you for being here,its been a long time hehe.im glad ur still around to read my entries

@chronicler--I havent talk to you in a while now after our last ym chat hehe.yeah i know Im starting to get over it,hope it will be easier.

@anonymous--hey welcome to my blog,next time put ur name on the bottom ok any name u wish haha so that i will know what to call u hehe.and i envy u that u have someone around.hayyy hope i will have mine too hehe

@marvin--haha oo nga e may machine machine pa akong nalalaman!

@acrylic--im naturally a happy person,kaya go on lang,and tama ka jan!

@dudong--thank you.im decided to avoid him na lang this time.

@pura--yeah!thank you my dear!

Summer said...

Hi friend! =D I am so proud of you. You did the right decision. Just move on and go on with your happy life. You don't need him anyway, i think he don't deserve your love. =D Stay happy and safe. Always smile my friend. I know your man of your life will soon be there to take care and love you more than you do. =D

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Brown Mestizo

The Green Man said...

Hi Sweety,

You got a good one going on in here :-D Kudos to you!!!

Don't forget to be safe ok? Look at me, I am not even promiscuous yet i got it. LOL. But hey, I am not complaining, it could have been worse.

Hope you could follow me at www.thegreenmandiary.blogspot.com

See you on your visit.


Anonymous said...

Been there, done that!

Nice entries!
I love your blog, man!
Keep 'em coming! =o)

Mac Callister said...

@summer--hello,yeah thats what i thought,who needs someone like him in the first place kawawa pa un pamilya niya.

@green man--welcome to my blog,i will visit ur blog too count on it.

@timberboy--hehe im glad im not alone on this and many have survived it so I know I can too.thank you for being here I appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

@ Mac Callister: I'm an expert when it come to these stuff. Haha.

Btw, thanks for dropping by sa blog ko. I added you to my blogroll... For easy access to your site.


Solo said...

Oh wow! I mean, i am happy for you. You are now thinking for your feelings. At least, napakita mong kaya mong wala sya haha. ;D

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Ming Meows said...

look for another one. joke.

it's just so sad to know that it's hard to find a real partner there. but i might be wrong.

RaYe said...

you'll meet someone else that's much better than dark guy. :)

Anonymous said...

baka may darating na mas ok... stand by ka lang ;)

Knoxxy said...

Sweet! Dadating din yan!

Mac Callister said...

@solo--yeah im such a strong person na har har!!

@ming--hindi ka mali,talagang mahirap ng humanap ng bf ngayon hehe

@raye--i know sana maging happy na ang lahat hehe

@dyoy--oo padalhan mo ko a LOL!!

@knoxxy--hey welcome back sa blog ko haha

Knoxxy said...

Musta buhay dyan?

Mac Callister said...

@knoxxy--ayos naman eto my sakit 3days na pero papasok n ko tom.thanks for asking

Anonymous said...

can relate to it.

ibañez said...

hekhekhek .. .well un din prob ko eh . .. if there is really a happy ending for me .. . i feel for you .. hekhek

Nash said...

well if it's just sex then fine. Don't go beyond it.


you can find someone who deserve your love more and who can appreciate you back :)

Kane said...

Mac Callister,

Sometimes it is important to know your agenda right from the start. Maybe there was a gap in communication between the two of you. You didn't know all he wanted was sex, he didn't realize you wanted love.

You know how it is: some give sex to get love, others give love to get sex. And then there are those who simply make love.

So good luck on your search for that special someone. Make sure you know what you want first. Make it crystal, make it clear.




nico said...

IMO, your lover is the one playing hard-to-get. LOL!

but hey, just follow what your heart desires. there's no other smart way to go about life than to enjoy! after all, we've only got one life to live.