May 3, 2010
I am Not OK
I was at the mall this afternoon, I sent money to my sis to help with the bills, and also to my mom...sigh, I've been thinking about her for some time now, our plans of getting her here with me was canceled. She just cant be, she has a financial obligations there, its too big that I don't know how she can settle it....the bank wont allow her to leave.
Amounts she used to save my uncle's ass from being put behind bars. (Don't wanna bore you with the details) She was confident she could pay little by little, but recession plagued Dubai and her salary was cut to half, she wants to resign from work and move here with me, and that's where the problems came in....
When I spoke to her, it seems that everything was alright and under control but I know deep inside, she was troubled. She cant sleep at night thinking and trying to figure out a solution...I know her, she's my mom. Always like that. She always spare me the worries even when I was small.
She stood up for me when someone teased me due to my weak personality while growing as an insecure gay kid...Fought with my dad whenever he tortured me emotionally for suspecting I am going to be gay...which by the way turned out to be true LOL!
She took a risk applying for a job abroad to support my studies through college, I mean, everything that I am, all that I have, is because of her...So why can't I find a way to help her now...I did everything I could, but all seemed not cooperating...I am so useless....
shit! shit! shit!
Anyway, excuse me for being so mellow dramatic today, she's not going to prison though, its just that, it will take her a long time to pay all those sums...and she wont be able to go home...they would hold her back. I want her to retire and spend her days worry free...
It all has to wait...
The annoying part of all these is, my aunt, who by the way I think never understood the sentence: Walang pera si nanay anu bah! (my mom have no money) she kept on calling my mom for financial support, she's telling she will die if my mom wont send her money! and naturally my mom being so kind to her siblings, would send even if there's nothing left to her!
I wanna yell at my mom and tell her to stop being sooooo "like" that already!
I strolled the mall, entering from shops to shops, but didn't bought anything, I thought I don't have the right to spend or splurge on anything when my mom is saving every penny at the other side of the world. Even went to a Chinese eat all you can resto alone, didn't stop until I felt like vomiting!
I went to the supermarket after and took some basic stuffs I need at home.
...baby powder for my face (sooo bading LOL)
...soaps, hand sanitizer, tissues
waittttttttttttt!condoms?! I don't know why I picked it up and put on my cart haha! I mean, EDC is not even here and there's no other guy!
I remembered I have a cucumber at the fridge! *wink*