Showing posts with label gay kid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay kid. Show all posts

September 28, 2012

Sa Tokador Ni Lola


 Grade two palang ako, alam ko ng may kakaiba sa sarili ko. Hindi ko pa ma-identify agad nun mga panahon na yun na bakla pala tawag nila dun. Nagagalit pa nga ako kapag binibiro nila akong "malambot".

Madalas na sa bahay ng lolo at lola ko kami iniiwan ng parents ko kapag may lakad sila dahil wala magbabantay sa amin. Natatandaan ko pa ang sinaunang bahay ng mga Lola ko. Yun may up and down at may malalaking bintana na yari sa kapis. Old style house. Spanish era ganyan.Tabi tabi mga bahay sa compound na yun na may same style.

Kapag namintana ka nga ay kitang kita mo na kung ano ginagawa ng kapitbahay mo dahil ganun din kalalaki ang mga bintana nila. Presko ng hangin, masarap mag siesta hehe. Magkatabi ang bahay ng lola ko at ng kapatid nya na lola ko din. Syempre! LOL

Umakyat ako sa itaas na bahagi ng bahay nun magsawa maglaro ng lutu-lutuan sa pinsan ko, may malaking tokador dun na may malaki ring salamin. Tinitigan ko ang aking sarili.

Baklita.

Chos!

Baklita ako nun kasi 8 years old palang ako di ba? haha. Nakita kong may polbo ang lola ko...Naglagay ako sa mukha gaya ng ginagawa nya. Pinahid ko sa mukha ko. Napakapal, mukha akong aswang...binawasan ko. Dapat pala light na light lang ganyan.

May nakita din akong lipistik...di ko alam kung kay lola din ito. kasi ambisyosa naman si lola if pulang pula masyado leps nya davah! baka maulol si lolo! biro lang!hehehe

Pero baka sa isa sa mga tita ko. Naisip ko. Ginaya ko kung paano ko makita maglagay si nanay. Pinagdikit ko din ang mga labi ko para magpantay ang pagkakapula.

Shet! Gandah ko!

Sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Nakakita din ako ng pulseras na yari sa plastik. May dugtungan ito kaya maari mong ibuka kapag hindi magkasya at malaki ang braso mo. Pero iba nasa isipan kong gwin dito. Inilagay ko sa magkabilang tenga ko ang mga pulseras. Inipit ko sa tenga ko para mag mukhang hikaw...masakit! para akong naglagay ng ipit ng damit sa tenga ganyan ang pakiramdam ko nun. Pero tiniis ko. Alang alang sa kagandahan! LOL

Sinipat-sipat ko ang sarili ko sa salamin. Left and right. Bagay talaga. Bulong ko sa sarili ko. Wala akong ibang nakikita sa salamin kundi ang sarili kong repleksyon. Ilang minuto din akong inaappreciate ang kagandahan sa salamin ng tokador.

Nabubulagan ako sa ganda ko.

Lingid sa aking kaalaman, kanina pa pala nakamasid sa akin ang aking mga tiyahin sa kabilang bahay. Nasa itaas din sila ng bahay nila sa may bintana'ng kapis.

Na-realized ko na kanina pa pala nila ko pinapanood ng may kahalong pangungutya at pagtatawanan. Kitang kita nila malamang ang paglalagay ko ng mga kolorote sa mukha.

Agad akong nagtago sa ilalim ng bintana kung saan di nila ako makikita. Napaiyak ako sa pagkapahiya. Ang tanga tanga ko! sabi ko sa sarili ko. Bakit kasi di ko agad sila napansin? Isa isa kong pinahid ang mga nilagay ko sa mukha ko. Pati ang pulseras sa aking mga tenga.

Alam kong pagtatawanan nila ako ng ilang araw. Maari pa nga nila ikwento ito kina nanay at tatay. Baka mapalo ako. Mapapahiya ako. Yun ang isa sa mga pangamba ko.

Umuwi nalang ako sa bahay namin pagkatapos kahit alam kong wala ako kasama dun. Ilang araw din ako hindi sumama sa pagpunta sa bahay nina Lola. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko nakakalimutan ang pagkapahiyang iyon sa buhay ko nun kabataan ko.

Namatay na din yun isa sa mga tita ko na nakakita sa akin. At yun iba naman ay matatanda na din ngayon at may mga apo na. I wonder if naaalala pa nila yun tuwing makikita nila ko?

Napagiba na din ang parehong bahay ng mga lola ko. Napalitan na ng modernong estilo, nawala na ang itaas na bahagi na may malalaking bintanang kapis. Wala na din sina Lolo at Lola. Mga tiyuhin ko na ang umookopa ng bahay.

Ang malaking tokador ni lola ay nakita kong maayos pa sa dati niyang silid kahit siya ay pumanaw na. Nakita ko ito nun ako ay dumalaw doon mga limang taon na ang nakakaraan.

Napapangiti nalang ako kapag naalala ko ang mga panahong iyon ng nakaraan. Bitter-sweet memories ika nga :-)

September 24, 2011

Power Punch


I've been bullied since I was a young kid. I was 9 years old when other kids started teasing me about me being gay. They called me names. Teased me. They humiliated me in front of other kids.

It was tough. Kids could be mean and heartless you know.

It made me cry. Made me angry. I was confused. I don't know why I'm different. Why I can't blend in with other boys. Instead I found comfort in the company of girls.

My sister was the one usually defending my honor (honor daw oh! charot!LOL). I know for a fact that I was brave fighting girls but not boys. You know catfight...chos!

With boys I have no strength...I was defenseless...didn't know then that in the future I would also be no match with boys breaking my heart... and the sad part is...they're also gay like me! *sigh*

Didn't know why I love chinese garter. Why I love paper dolls... or why I hated boyscout and camping and jamboree and sports...yeah sports!!! specially basketball!!!

Fucking basketball!!!

My dad even pushed me to join other kids play balls. But I just can't! I can't I told him. And I remembered how my dad used to hurt me with words....words that would cut deep inside my soul.

It took me a while before I could honestly forgive my father for all the emotional pain he had given me.

It took me a while before I could finally accept that i can't do anything about the teasing and the bullying of other young kids. I was a weakling.

This is the part that I learned how to be numb and to not care anymore. It lessen the pain...I guess...

I kept it all inside and dealt it myself...I never told anyone...who would help me, anyway?

This is the part that I played deaf...blind...and insensitive. But there are times that they could still get to me. Still cutting inside me...sometimes no matter how hard you tried to ignore it, but the pain was too great that you cannot let it pass easily...

I was at the school playground after class with my sister on the bike and this kid 2 years older than me annoyingly teased me about being gay and all... I was really trying to ignore him and my sister was defending me once again and he said something that really really pissed me off... I just couldn't control my self...

I said words at him to hurt him back...and he said words to hurt me back more... mas masakit kapag pagkatao mo na ang tinitira e...I don't know. Maybe young gay kids are really sensitive to be teased with being gay at that time, or its just me? I don't know.

I left my bike and walked towards him with clenched fist and I punched him straight at his left eye...

He was in so much pain that he was unable to move or speak anything while holding his other eye...

I myself was in pain too for punching him. I didn't know that it will hurt this bad too. But inside me...I was feeling damn proud. I didn't know how to punch till that day!

yeah I'm the man!

I went back to my bike and told my sister to go. We saw the kid recovering from my POWER PUNCH and running towards me... He wanted revenge!

"Go! Go! Go! let's run! " I told my sister. I'm on a panic. My heart was beating like crazy!

"bilisan mo! ayan na siya kuya!" my sister screamed in horror.

The kid pulled me out of my bike and punched me in the eye too! I was hurt real bad that I was feeling numb. It was so painful. I cried! yeah I cried!

I was not able to fight back. I had no strength at all. The kid run as fast as he could after. My sister threatened him that she will call our cousins and get back at him.

Once again, my sister defended me. She helped me stand up and get back at my bike.

Yeah I was a weakling...









Fuckin' memories! hahaha!

I still see that kid from long time ago. We're still living on the same neighborhood. I've heard he's working on some low paying company in the county. Loser... look at me now!ganda ko! chos! may paghihiganting ganap?LOL

Anyway, have a great weekend guys :-)


May 3, 2010

I am Not OK


I was at the mall this afternoon, I sent money to my sis to help with the bills, and also to my mom...sigh, I've been thinking about her for some time now, our plans of getting her here with me was canceled. She just cant be, she has a financial obligations there, its too big that I don't know how she can settle it....the bank wont allow her to leave.

Amounts she used to save my uncle's ass from being put behind bars. (Don't wanna bore you with the details) She was confident she could pay little by little, but recession plagued Dubai and her salary was cut to half, she wants to resign from work and move here with me, and that's where the problems came in....

When I spoke to her, it seems that everything was alright and under control but I know deep inside, she was troubled. She cant sleep at night thinking and trying to figure out a solution...I know her, she's my mom. Always like that. She always spare me the worries even when I was small.

She stood up for me when someone teased me due to my weak personality while growing as an insecure gay kid...Fought with my dad whenever he tortured me emotionally for suspecting I am going to be gay...which by the way turned out to be true LOL!

She took a risk applying for a job abroad to support my studies through college, I mean, everything that I am, all that I have, is because of her...So why can't I find a way to help her now...I did everything I could, but all seemed not cooperating...I am so useless....

shit! shit! shit!

Anyway, excuse me for being so mellow dramatic today, she's not going to prison though, its just that, it will take her a long time to pay all those sums...and she wont be able to go home...they would hold her back. I want her to retire and spend her days worry free...

It all has to wait...

The annoying part of all these is, my aunt, who by the way I think never understood the sentence: Walang pera si nanay anu bah! (my mom have no money) she kept on calling my mom for financial support, she's telling she will die if my mom wont send her money! and naturally my mom being so kind to her siblings, would send even if there's nothing left to her!

I wanna yell at my mom and tell her to stop being sooooo "like" that already!

I strolled the mall, entering from shops to shops, but didn't bought anything, I thought I don't have the right to spend or splurge on anything when my mom is saving every penny at the other side of the world. Even went to a Chinese eat all you can resto alone, didn't stop until I felt like vomiting!

I went to the supermarket after and took some basic stuffs I need at home.

...canned goods

...baby powder for my face (sooo bading LOL)

...soaps, hand sanitizer, tissues

...Durex condoms

waittttttttttttt!condoms?! I don't know why I picked it up and put on my cart haha! I mean, EDC is not even here and there's no other guy!
*Ting!*

I remembered I have a cucumber at the fridge! *wink*

Just kidding!!!!

May 3, 2009

No Pretentions

I heard someone was talking to my sister earlier and that someone just sounds so....gay, intrigued that I went to see who it was, he's so loud and proud, even on his get-up, only the dead wont know that he is gay. His gay lingo is so much far advanced than mine. Its like he's from college and I'm still on elementary kind of thing haha. I must admit I don't know much about gay lingo,I don't use them much, the only words I know are itech, chuvaness, chukchak, luz valdez, chika and my favorite chaka LOL!

Anyway, he lives a few houses from us. I saw that kid grow up, I think he's about 21 now. A full pledge nurse now. At a young age he knew and his family knew that he will be a full blown-BB Gandanghari some day.But they didn't mind, in fact they tolerated his gayness to the bones! When he was 5, I remembered his mom carrying him with a pink ribbon on his hair that you could actually thought that he was a girl.

Don-don is his name by the way,they call him Donna now haha.I thought maybe his parents are longing for a baby girl when the mother was still pregnant on him, since their eldest daughter is old enough and with three other male kids. At 8 I saw him dancing with a baton which he excellently knew how to swings and turns with his hands. His macho brothers are not even angry at him, instead they adored him.They didn't get mad when people telling them "oh you brother is gay", they would just answer "yeah, I know".

Seeing Don-don now with his heavy face-foundation and tight-fitting blouse with a fake LV shoulder bag made me smile at him. In fact I feel envious about him. He don't need to pretend to be someone he's not. He don't need to play straight in front of other people. He don't need to worry how to come out to his family that he's gay.No closet issue.It was a problem solved ages ago.His family accepted who he was all along.

It was easy for him.He didn't have the struggles I had growing up. He didn't had those identity crisis. He didn't have to try to have a girlfriend.He knew he's gay. Period.

With that I'm happy for him.

I just hope I'm like him...

Minus the heavy face foundation and the tight-fitting blouse LOL!

March 8, 2009

Gay Childhood

When did you realize you were gay?

When I was growing up I always think there's something wrong with me.I was in grade two,I grew up shy,very close to my mom,I play inside the house with my sister,I only have one friend,Bert.Who is very straight by the way hehe.I have a hard time blending with other boys,I always have this feeling that why cant I naturally join them when they play or hang out....it was so difficult for me.I tried so hard to be accepted,but my classmates knew that I'm not like them,they tease,they call me names...
I end up playing with my girls classmates,you know,playing Chinese garter (so gay!LOL), jack stone, paper dolls!which I'm so good at designing their clothes haha.But i enjoy playing cars and airplane too with Bert,he used to come to our house to ask me to play,he was my best friend back then,we go to the same classroom from grade 1 to high school.God knows I really tried so hard to be straight.I don't want it.I get so mad when someone call me "gay".

My dad was a complete reminder of that,he suspected that I'm gay and he's so furious whenever he sees me with some signs and symptoms of gayness!LOL. He was so happy when he sees me playing with Bert,one time,i said to Bert "I'm already circumcised" and he was like"really?I don't believe you!let me see!"And I showed my uncut penis at him! "nah!stop fooling around!you're supot pa like me!" and I was like "can I see yours?" at that time there's only the two of us.

We sat there at the corner pants down and both inspecting our penises!I pulled the foreskin and saw the whitish smelly thing on top of it "kupal" he said(smegma) I swiped it with my finger and put on his nose!haha.He did the same and I run,its so grosse!Good thing I have more kupal to put at his nose and chased him again!LOL. I called that game kupalan!hahaha

There was this time,when my mom was taking a nap one afternoon,I wore her old maternity clothes and put some towels inside my tummy and played like pregnant woman!My sister was the doctor and I enjoyed it so much that I got so carried away with the role play "push...push...its coming"my sister said,when I'm about to deliver the baby I screamed so loud like I was really in pain giving birth!"arayyyyy!ang sakitt!!!!"

I forgot that my mom was at the next room and sleeping!next thing I knew she rushed into us and spanked me using her dirty slippers!haha "why are you like that??you really want to get pregnant?!wanna be gay huh!" she scolded me so loud that I cried.Hmmm,memories of my childhood haha.Till college I was in denial,I don't look so gay,I acted straight.I kept on telling my self I'm not gay,i wanna be straight and all,but its useless fighting it,I think I was born this way,and no matter what I do or try to do nothing can change that.
After college that's when I finally told myself.I had enough.I'm tired of pretending.This is me.I'm not straight,hate me or love me.Taray!LOL! I realized being gay was not always have to be dressing up like a big fag or be girly. I still have attraction to women and men.(I had a gf before) I don't wanna wear make ups and all. I like my d*ck and I like fcking other gay men.

Filipino gay are so afraid to be called gay.They get so defensive.They wanna be called bi's. Even if many of them haven't been with a girlfriend or have any interest in girls at all!Duh!Why not search the word bisexual?Discreet gay or a gay guy will be fine.OK?!

February 2, 2009

Screamed Like A Girl

Oh my Lord! This was my reaction when my 4 year old nephew suddenly screamed like a girl while playing with his cousin!hahaha and my dad immediately approached and scolded him in a not so serious tone and said "why are you screaming???are you a girl huh?!only gays screamed like that!" and i was just smiling and told myself: maybe its really in the genes! LOL

When I go to sleep later I will pray real hard to our lord Jesus Christ that please don't make my cute nephew gay!haha but seriously If I have a choice and start my life again I would like to be straight,not that I didn't like being bi or gay,I already know how to lead my life in the best way i can but being like this is complicated and I don't want my nephew to experience the same way I did growing up,you know,the teasing,the feeling of being left out,the feeling of indifference and all.

Maybe we're just being too paranoid,maybe he will grow u straight in the end though hehe.And if ever...only if...we will just support and love him no matter what.