Its past midnight here and its really cold outside. I am sitting in my couch and listening to the sound of silence. Its really quiet tonight.
I didn't realize that I'm that lonely till now. Its been two months since I broke up with my last boyfriend. I didn't have time to mourn on that another failed relationship, I was so damn busy that I didn't have time to get the feeling of regret of losing him.
Next thing I knew, I already moved on and there's no pain left to remember. I couldn't even care to think. Being too f*ckin' busy was one hell of a great way to move on! LOL
And yeah, another failed relationship. I know.
Hay, what else is new right? If you were a follower of my blog you might have been thinking..."Mac really sucks on having a relationship longer than 4 months!" How many guys I've dated and broke up in the end. This blog is my witness on all of that.
Maybe its me. Yeah, I think maybe its me.
Did I give too much that I suffocated them? Or they just didn't love me like the way I thought they did?
All I wanna do is to love someone...
To give love and to experience love. I want to have that feeling of being cared for. That feeling of being significant. I want to live again.
I missed those hugs and kisses and sweet words and romance...
Many times I loved. Being loved...and ends up disappointed. Hurt. And lost. Whats keeping "it" to find me. I've been waiting and ready for a long time...
But no matter how many times I get down and hurt by this thing called love, I would never give up on LOVE. Its one of the greatest feelings in the world. Do you agree? hehehe.
I was asked one time by a straight colleague, when he found out that my boyfriend is in Manila, that I obviously sends money to him. For his maintenance and to keep him from looking to other guys. I mean that's absurd!
I don't have a problem treating my special someone over dinner or dates, or giving gifts on special occasions, but asking or borrowing money is a different thing!
Clayton came from an average family, having a small business, and he is earning more than enough from his job. I know I'm safe with him!
Money is not easy to find these days. It was hard-earned. Not given to you easily. Money is a very sensitive issue to me now. Many gay people have been fooled by love...took advantage of their love...
I learned my lesson some time ago. I've been used. Borrowed money from me and never paid me back. Now I realized I'm stupid for trusting. At least its over now, before its too late. He took advantage of my millions LOL!
Nakakadala na magtiwala kasi...
I told myself, I'm gonna have this rule: I won't involve money on any relationship I'm going to have next time. Money changes everything.
"But what if, if... your boyfriend now, the one you really love....is in a very difficult financial crisis, lets say, a family member being very sick, or an accident at the hospital now, their resources have run out or something and you're the only one who could help him...would you're rule still applies?" my straight colleague have asked me.
Honestly, I wasn't able to answer that.
It took me a long time to answer.
Well, maybe if its really a matter of life and death I would gladly help. But not to shoulder everything...I guess.
I saw a grin on his face as if telling me: "See, you still gonna give!"
I fell asleep for a while and I felt that I was sweating, I opened my eyes but noticed the ac was open, and I'm perspiring. I don't know why...its odd.
I wasn't using the pillow, instead my head was under an arm of a guy next to me. He was also asleep... I noticed that arm was wet...not with my sweat...but with my saliva...
SALIVA?????!!!! yuckyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I drooled on him that much? OMG! I removed his arm because I know it will be difficult for him. Mangangalay siya...I turned my back on him to change my position. But that woke him, he hugged me from my back instead.
That put a smile on my sleepy face. It felt so good. He don't want me to be out of his warm body. kilig ako...hehe.
People...meet EDC.
My EDC. Beside me. Loving me. Kissed me. Hugged me. Licked me. Fucked me. Ano daw yun? LOL!
After almost two years here we are, together at last. One of the happiest day of my life. A loving guy who traveled 5 hours to meet me (last Saturday). I remembered when I saw him inside at gateway mall, waiting, on his back, but I know it was him. My heart can never be wrong. Even there's a big crowd around him.
I slowly approached, without him knowing. He was still looking at something when I said :
"Hi, waiting for someone?" and he faced me and smiled so wide revealing those cute dimples as soon as he recognized my lovely voice! ( chos!!!)
"Ang tagal mo..." he said. (you took so long).
"Im not late, you're just early." I smiled and hugged him...It felt good having his body so close to mine.
We had lunch at Max's since I am missing a lot of pork! haha. We started the long casual conversation over, catching up to the lost moment due to our long distance. We fell in line to watch Eclipse, it was a long line, tons of people at the ticket booth, occasionally I would hold his hand in discreet, and he would hug me when he thinks no one noticed.
And of course, at the movie house, he held my hand! and whispered: Mac, I love you..."
I smiled and continued watching, when Im into a movie I don't want talking. So after a while he said: "you still haven't said I love you to me..."
"Oh I'm sorry baby...I love you..."
We bought some stuffs for our boracay adventure this coming Friday after. Sana di umulan nun haha!
We had dinner and we stayed the night together, our first night...I know you're waiting for the big event! You want details!
But to tell you honestly, it was a disaster! Its embarrassing! waaaah!
At first it was so romantic, we took a shower, we dimmed the light, he was kissing me...I discovered he tickles on almost every part of his body! Its so cute and I felt relieved, it just means he's not as experienced as me!
Sabi nila pag wala ng kiliti, meaning, gamit na gamit na katawan nun! haha I don't know if that have a scientific basis or what! But with my body, I know, when I'm starting to have sex, I have tingling sensation all over my body. But now after a decade the only part remains is my earlobes! LOL
He gave me a sensual massage. He was good. He was on top of me...I could feel his manhood on my butt as he moves to reach my shoulders....
Nag-aalburoto na etits ko nun!
It was perfect at first, I was on top on him, riding...grinding him LOL! We shifted position, he was on my back, but then I felt uncomfortable, I needed to use the toilet! nyahaha! I'm having a bad stomach for about 3 days now! It felt awkward. Poor EDC.
I don't know why my body was like that, at times I wanna pee! I thought I'm about to come but its not, its literally pee! haha.
I told him its painful on my part already and I cannot continue. I never see a disappointment on him or was he just good on hiding it?
"You could wank if you want?" I told him
"No, come on...let's sleep...I know you're tired." he said instead.
"kalabitin mo nalang ako kapag nililibugan ka ulit..." he teased.
(if you feel horny, just let me know)
What's wrong with my ass LOL! I did some training prior to this, I prepared "him" for this moment! I shoved a pen, the next day I used the phone, then the TV remote, and recently I used the fire extinguisher!
But why it still hurts????! Maybe I should've trained with the fridge! LOL!
I fell asleep with his arms around me. I can feel his breathing. I slept with a contentment on my heart. All the worries and insecurities banished in thin air.
Until the sweating awakened me...
In the morning he was teasing me how my saliva drooled all over his arm!haha. I was hot as hell that moment and I moved on top of him and started licking him. This time I wanna do my favorite: KISKISAN. No penetration. Just two dicks together with lube till we cum. But we never did! hahaha.
Things just gets better and better for us! Damn! The lube is not actually a lube, its a lidocaine gel, used at the hospital with some chemicals to relieved pain.
We used it earlier since its my first time again after 7 months of no sex! So as we used it on our kiskisan, it creates a burning sensation on our penis!!!! I have to stop!
Ayun nag jakol nalang kaming dalawa! shit!
(we just wanked together)
We spent another day (Sunday) together till 4 pm and he walked me to the bus stop and waved goodbye. I went home with a big happy smile. It was a lovely feeling having my EDC around.
"Even if the sex part was bad, having you with my arms the whole night is much more important to me, because I love you Mac."
I am blessed with some of the good things in this world.
Only one thing that is missing in my life...
You.
Is it too selfish to pray to have you? Will our creator thinks that I asked too much? is it true if your successful at your respective careers, it is to expect your love life would suck? That you cannot have it all?
Oh, I wanna come home right this moment and give him a big hug, been longing to kiss the side of his lips before I could take them fully with my own lips...
I hope fate could give us the chance to be together...the guy that I have been praying for all my life, the guy I know who could love me, and I could love till our hair turns gray...
I could only hope and dream of you each night on my side and say: No matter what the day turned out to be, good or bad, whenever you open that door, I will be forever someone you could come home to.
