Broken

I made a mistake and we broke up. I asked for his forgiveness. I literally begged for him to take me back...I was like crazy piece of shit. No pride. Nothing.

Looking back, I realized how silly and how pathetic he might think of me then.

He said that its my fault and that I should suffer the consequences. I was so heart broken and all I did was blaming myself.

I didn't realize that it would come to this point. A break up.

Another break up, I said to myself. But no matter how many times I've been in this position, why does it always have to be so fucking painful?

I've been with too many guys before and yet the pain was all the same when we're breaking up! Fucking heart! fucking emotions! Fucking love!

Andali ko kasi ma-inlove! Something is wrong with me. I guess.

We were just doing fine before. We're happy. Everything's going smoothly. Why can't it be back to the way they were?

Nothing lasts forever, they say.

True.

Two weeks later, I received a message from him telling he'd come over to our house. I was so glad when I realized whats goin on...Maybe, just maybe...he forgave me afterall! That he still loves me after all!

When he arrived, he's as cold as ice. He hardly talked to me. As if nothing changes. Was he still mad at me? But why is he here?

I wanted to talk. I wanted to explain. I wanted us to be "us" again.

Instead, He pulled me up from the couch and took me to my room. He undressed himself and lay down on my bed. He's like a God looking straight at me. I was just staring at him.

Damn, how i missed you. I whispered to myself.

Come. Take your clothes off. He said.

I did and joined him in the bed. His lips are tight. Not saying anything. He pushed my head down on his chest...on his abdomen...on his manhood.

He moaned with pleasures...I did everything...I wanted to make up for everything....He's my God and I am his slave.

I love this guy and I want him to forgive me. I want him to take me back. He's here and it made me real happy.

But am I really happy?

I was on top of him and I'm about to kiss him when he moved away his lips. Pushing my face away...

No, no kissing. He said.

Pain rushed through my face down to my chest and ended inside my heart. Slicing my heart. I felt it bleed.

We could have sex, but no kissing. Is that it? I said.

Let's just get over this ok? he answered.

And in seconds he shifted our positions and he was on top of me. Sliding himself inside of me. Pushing. Rushing. In ravage. A dance that we used to dance. A kind of dance that I don't know how anymore.

A dance to inflict pain. A dance to punish.

In minutes later, he was gasping, heavily breathing. He was finished.

And all this time all I did was just stared at him. His lovely face. His tightly sealed lips. His burning eyes.

I wanna touched them. I wanna remove all the anger, all those mixed emotions I've seen in his eyes. Did I turned him into something so evil?

But, I love him so much...I asked for his forgiveness...am I not worth forgiving? Did he stop loving me already?

I was still on the bed looking blankly at him when he started wearing his clothes again on the floor.

Tears fell down on my eyes when I've heard the door closes. He left. He's done with my punishment. He's done with breaking my heart once again.

Two days later and the same thing happened. He texted me. He arrived. He took me to my room. He undressed himself. He fucked. He came. He left.

He didn't even look at me. He didn't even bother talking to me. He avoided my lips again.

I was just an outlet. I was just a fucking shit to him. A fucking machine. When he felt like fucking, he's turned on and off. I felt like a whore.

But why do I still love him? Why do I still wish he'd come back to me and all of this shall pass.

But that's the last time I've seen him. He never called. Never texted me. Never came back. Maybe he got tired of punishing me.

I never thought a loving guy that I love is capable of this. He was so gentle and caring...

And I looked at the mirror and seen my reflection...I never thought I would look like this. Empty.

I was literally thrown into the floor in pieces. I've never seen or knew pain this much. Pain became my boarder. He became my companion. He lives inside me for a long time.

And this is me in the mirror.


Broken.







To Mark. Thank you for introducing me to Mr. Pain hehehe. For the greatest pain I've received 6 years ago, Thank you for making me stronger. You made me realized, how much I could love a person so deeply that it hurts. I didn't know I'm capable of that. Wow. And I forgave you since. That's how I moved on. I forgave you.

How are you by the way? Hope you're alright. If not, good for you! chos! Ampalaya pa din pala?LOL

Sumagot Ka Naman Wag Lang...Ewan.

.

One day...nasa harap ako ng computer nang magkaroon ng magulong usapan na ito. Bigla nalang, ganyan. Walang kuskos-balungos.


PsssT! Miss na kita...

Wow! Iniisip palang kita i-message pero eto ka na!

Naks naman oh!

Kelan mo ba ko sasagutin ulit?aba isang taon na ko nanliligaw sa yo a,anong petsa na?LOL.


I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend Brian online last week. Mag-jowa kami three years ago.


Oh, tapos ngayon gusto mo!hmmp!

Tagal ko na sinasabi sayo a, di mo naman ako sineseryoso...

Hahaha! Wag ka nga ganyan.

So ayaw mo?its now or never tong offer ko...


Natatawa ako kasi ako pa ang nagtataning sa kanya! Matagal na kami sa ganitong sitwasyon na parang nagsasayaw ng cha-cha. Hindi malaman kung gusto ba or hindi. Hindi ko rin malaman kung ano ba talaga nasa loob nya bukod sa mga taba-taba at balunbalunan nya ha! LOL.


Wow! Parang banker lang sa deal or no deal ang hirit mo ganyan?

hahaha! ok! bahala ka. Basta sinasabi ko sa yo gusto kita balikan pero kung ayaw mo ko seryosohin ikaw bahala! hmmp!

Pansin ko lang ha ang hirap manligaw online sa ex!

This is Brian and me during my vacation last June. ewan ko ba madalas chubby nagiging bf ko nun. Hindi naman ako chaser hehe. FYI: hindi sa min yang bag na yan ha! (defensive!lol)

Naku, naku, Mac...tigilan mo ko. Magseryoso ka muna.

E ano bang seryoso ang gusto mo?

Ano pa! E di yun walang landi sa katawan.

Wala naman ah! Kasi nga single ako, kaya lalandi ako! Pero kung magiging tayo ulit e di mawawala lahat yun!

Hahaha! Wag mo nga ako chinacharot!

Totoo nga! at kung magkakabalikan tayo gusto ko lagi tayo usap ha? -- (demanding ko ata hahaha)

okay... sagot naman niya.

Okay? you mean tayo na ulit?

Ewan!

aba sumagot ka ng maayos! Mahal mo pa ba ako o hindi na?

mahal naman...kaso...

Ano nga?

basta...mag iisip muna ko! yun!

Hay sumasakit bangs ko kay Brian ha! Grrrr...

Am I Evil?

This is a re-post.Well i guess many of you haven't read this post before.I wrote this last year when there's only three people reading my blog haha Berna and Sasha and a close friend, one I threatened to kill if he don't read them LOL.I just thought that you might want to see this,its about John.The only ex-bf that I wanted to come back to if given a chance.(till now?maybe..)

I did a lot of awful and shameful things in the past,you know,I did some shoplifting at a bookstore when I was 14,I didn't pay a jeep ride when I was 16,and the driver knew haha he kept on saying"o yung mga di pa bayad jan magbayad na"haha.But nothing can compare to what I did to my ex-boyfriend's boyfriend.I had sex with him to get back at him for not taking me back!Got it?

Lets put it this way,I'll name my ex bf as john,and the other guy is Joshua,before me,John and Joshua are lovers for a year,when they broke up I met John and we became boyfriends for 4 months,but Joshua kept on texting on John,how he still cares for him,but John didn't care at all,he's happy with me.And then we broke up,my fault I admit,but after 2 weeks I realized I cant live without John in my life that I love him still,so I asked him to give me another chance,he refused.I was hurt.This happened about 3-4 years ago.

After 2 weeks maybe,I texted him again,and he said to me, "me and Joshua are back together",I felt my heart was broken into pieces,I felt betrayed,to think Joshua left him for another guy in the past that caused their break up then.He's a two timer I said to him.And here I am showed him good things and loved him so much in our relationship,we fought big time that caused our break up,but I asked for another chance and yet he refused me,I mean I thought I didn't deserved it.

So I thought of a brilliant plan,an evil plan.I want John to regret choosing Joshua over me.And for him to realize that he's not really the faithful type of guy.Good thing I had Joshua's number,I stole it from John secretly because I'm annoyed of him texting my bf.I texted him,pretended I'm looking for a text mate,he didn't know me and had no idea I was John's ex bf.So he fell for my trap,we kept on texting without John knowing it,so I thought he's really not the trustworthy type,I was happy that I'm having my revenge at John.

After a week of texting and chatting,I invited him to meet and he agreed, and we went to Festival mall alabang,along the way riding the van,we were holding hands through out the travel time.I was seducing him.We ate and talk and I asked him if he wants to stay the night with me,he said,why not,so we checked in at Sogo Hotel.And Oh Lord... he's too hot and sexy!He is hairy all over,his chest,his groin,his legs,i cant believe I'm having sex with this guy,my ex-bf's current bf!I took some pictures and videos of us together,kissing torridly and hugging... my proof that we're together,another part of my plan.

This is his actual picture when were inside the motel room.Look at that hairy body...I still remember how it felt like when Im on top of him.Yummy!

Till now I cant forget how his body feels,the muscles,the hairs,he's good in bed,its really great!One of the best I had,maybe because it was a stolen and I had a hidden agenda with it,or that he have what I love about a guy:body hairs!!I don't know!haha.By the way he is a bottom!Anyway I'll skip the details,OK,I don't want my blog to be labeled some adult rated site.We spent the whole night together and he still dont have any idea who I am or what I'm doing till we went home.I knew he had a good time.I was wearing a devil's smile in my lips.Success.

After a week I texted John,I asked him I still want him back that Joshua don't deserve him,I said he's not honest with him and that he cant be trusted,he said

"you only want to destroy our relationship"
" what if I have some proof that he spent a night with me?"I told him
"oh really?don't make me laugh!"

He said I'm just bluffing,then I sent the most daring picture of us kissing and half naked, our picture of Joshua together through MMS

He said "damn you!Get lost!Fuck you!How could you do this to me!!!"

I don't know what to feel then,I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.I kept on telling myself he deserved it.He put it upon himself.He shouldn't have hurt me and choose that looser over me.But I can't feel really happy.I'm hurting too.I hurt him I know and his hurt are crossing through me,I love him so much.

I felt the guilt big time.I'm a bad ass!One consolation I have was,at least I made my point that Joshua cant be trusted.A player.A two-timer.I did him good favor.I wanna laugh at my thought haha.Then Joshua texted me he cursed me and said I'm a loser!He said he and John are over thanks to me.

"if I've known you were his ex I should have killed you!" he said
"haha whatever dude!have a happy life.You're pathetic!"I replied

And i said to myself,mission accomplished...after many years,it was Christmas,I texted John and asked him how is he and he said he's OK and he's with a new bf and that they are on their 8 months...it still hurts like hell till that time.I said could he forgive me?

"yeah I already did but i can't be friends with you,don't text me anymore..."

(*FYI- I already moved on.This was 4 years ago.I just wanted to share you this story.So that you will know what to do next time when your bf ditched you.LOL!Im just kidding ok!hehe)

Reunited

My sister woke me up this afternoon and told me that Brian,my ex boyfriend,arrived and he's at our living room.I told her "im still sleepy" but she kept on banging my door for me to stand up and face my visitor.I had no choice but to rise from the bed one hour early than my alarm time.And there he was,after a year...Brian.Wearing a yellow polo shirt,sitting at our sofa.I dont know how many ex-bf I had I lost count already!haha maybe they're dead or what!(knock on wood!)

I was told that my sister fetched him up at the terminal because he wasn't familiar with the place anymore(?)that he has been texting me for the last two hours but I was sound asleep haha!After he got tired of texting me,he texted my sister instead to wake me up.Im glad my sister did the fetching.I hate fetching!(It so happened that she have to withdraw some cash this afternoon,thats why she didn't bother to wake me up and picked up my demanding ex-bf!)

He could go anytime at our house,I mean he's been here for like a hundred times in our 8months relationship.He just wanted to feel special that's why he asked to be picked-up.Brian has always been like that,he wanted me to pick him up at the bus terminal and accompany him back when he's going back to manila(I accused him of pa-girl with this attitude).Most of the time I didn't oblige,then he'll get mad at me haha but I don't mind,whatever.

I asked him why he's here?he said "i missed your sis and your nephew' (and I just thought to my self :blah-blah-blah whatev) I know he missed me!hah! am I conceited or what?! haha.Me and Brian have been friends after we broke up,we've been texting once in awhile.Sometimes if I don't reply at his text right away he would say :what's taking you to reply so long?" and I was like..hmm,demanding?!But i would explain to him,i don't know why I did!

I could sense a little jealousy when he asked me how many boyfriend did I had since we broke up and I said "there's three" and he just said trying to hide the emotions with "ang galing ha!" he never had a bf after me,that it is his choice, "bf's are only giving me headaches"he added.He was a graduate of Nursing and waiting for his board exam result.He applied for a med rep position at Manila while waiting.

Then I asked him to put his bag inside my room,then he took a bath and I was like"hmmm,this reminds me of when were together and taking a bath was one of our rituals before making love...(devilish grin) hehehe and I was like thinking dirty while he's taking a bath,I hid the lube under the bed for easy access LOL!Then he borrowed my shorts and T-shirts and lay down my bed and turned on my TV.

Then I locked my room's door secretly and I went to bed with him and I hugged him from behind and started giving him feathery touches,he didn't resist and I was like Oh my he still likes me.Then I was about to kiss him and then he moved his mouth away,then I chased it and he moved away again and chased it again and finally catched his lips and I kissed him hungrily...I was about to insert my tongue inside when he breaks our kiss and said...

Brian: "stop,stop,I don't want this,were not together "
Me:"so what?we could still kiss and have sex!"
Brian: "I don't do SEB!" he snapped
Me:"hahaha but this is not SEB!You knew me for a long time!"
Brian:"whatever!I don't wanna have sex with someone who is not my bf"
Me:"fine,then I'm your boyfriend tonight!"ha ha

And he was like furious that he realized that I only want to get laid tonight!ha ha which is the truth by the way!I don't feel the same way towards him anymore I mean there's still some memories of him and I still care for him but love?I don't think so.Maybe if we spend more time together the feelings might come back.But I noticed he is more ticklish now than before,he has never been with anyone for a year now he said.

He kept on refusing but I was persistent I kept on chasing his lips and grabbing his nipples and then he stopped fighting,finally he got carried away by my sweet lips and tongue LOL just like in the movies, he closed his eyes and hold my face while kissing him gently and I grabbed his undies and then he was on red alert again!he broke away from my kiss!ha ha.What a self control he had!Whew!

Then I snapped at him and said "what is your problem???" he said "we are not together,its not like before that you could kiss and make love to me anytime you want,we could just hug here at the bed instead" and I said "but why?I missed you and I want you now"(I sounded desperate) Then I tried to kiss his neck and shoulders and he loose the control again and allowed me for a minute and stoped me once again that's when I stop pursuing him anymore,I'm mad at him!I want to have sex!!!Waaaa!

"Ang arte mo!ewan!" I said and went to my computer and started to read my mails.

We ate dinner and pretend nothing happened so that my family wont see were fighting.When were watching TV at my room again and I was typing this post he said:

"come over here..."
"Why..?"-me
"just come here!" (with his hands inviting me to lay down beside him)
"no."I said
"hmp,now its you who's maarte!"
"talaga!"
"you'll sleep at the airbed" -I added

But now,I got so into reading some blogs and I realized he's snoring at my bed and I don't have the heart to wake the bastard to move to the airbed on the floor!Waaaa!

(to be continued...)

Let Go Already

I fulfilled one of my new year's resolution today : I will reconcile with the people that I hate,cursed,made me feel bad,or anyone that I have a grudge on and vice versa by sending them messages of Peace!WOW!haha. The message said:

"Hi,its the new year,and I wanna start my year right by not having any bad feeling towards anybody in the past.Happy new year to you and have a nice day!"

It came from my heart.Really!Seriously! I don't have any bad feelings anymore with those people that I thought hurt me including friends and ex boyfriends. I don't talk to them due to bad history but it doesn't mean I still hate them or something.I'm not like that,because I don't wanna have a heart ailment soon or something!haha. Yun bang mamatay sa sama ng loob! By this message its like telling them I'm fine with them already. We can be friends again.Or have a simple conversation with you already blah-blah-blah.

And if they don't reply and acknowledge my way of doing the first move to talk and don't feel the same way towards me,I don't mind.These stuff are for me.For my own personal peace of mind. It's like letting go of the bad feelings and start anew. To feel light.I ts like flying without carrying heavy baggage. If they want to carry those heavy things inside their hearts,then let them be.hehe.Ciao!

Im Dating Again

This may seem so sudden,but Im actually dating again,well not actually dating now,I mean this coming saturday and we even decided to be together at the 25th at enchanted kingdom!(a local amusement park in laguna) I have talked to this guy that I knew for a year now,we just became friends at the chatroom eversince,you know the usual hi and hello and how are you's kind of thing.And last night since im single and available haha I flirted a little and got so interested to get to know him more and he is such a nice guy,he's been to a serious relationship for a long time and the kind of guy I wanted, now we're constantly communicating through text and chat.Well,I hope this is a good start and we could have a good time this saturday.

When I got home today from the mall,i opened my pc and saw an offline messages,one from OJ my friend at london,and one from my ex,JL he said: "hello lang po ulit good afternoon" I just felt weird that he messaged me,but im planning not to reply I said to him last time we've talked that i wont bother him ever again.I made a decision and he made a decision too when im trying to fix things so its not my fault anymore that we're separated.So now Im moving on and now..im dating...