Broken

I made a mistake and we broke up. I asked for his forgiveness. I literally begged for him to take me back...I was like crazy piece of shit. No pride. Nothing.

Looking back, I realized how silly and how pathetic he might think of me then.

He said that its my fault and that I should suffer the consequences. I was so heart broken and all I did was blaming myself.

I didn't realize that it would come to this point. A break up.

Another break up, I said to myself. But no matter how many times I've been in this position, why does it always have to be so fucking painful?

I've been with too many guys before and yet the pain was all the same when we're breaking up! Fucking heart! fucking emotions! Fucking love!

Andali ko kasi ma-inlove! Something is wrong with me. I guess.

We were just doing fine before. We're happy. Everything's going smoothly. Why can't it be back to the way they were?

Nothing lasts forever, they say.

True.

Two weeks later, I received a message from him telling he'd come over to our house. I was so glad when I realized whats goin on...Maybe, just maybe...he forgave me afterall! That he still loves me after all!

When he arrived, he's as cold as ice. He hardly talked to me. As if nothing changes. Was he still mad at me? But why is he here?

I wanted to talk. I wanted to explain. I wanted us to be "us" again.

Instead, He pulled me up from the couch and took me to my room. He undressed himself and lay down on my bed. He's like a God looking straight at me. I was just staring at him.

Damn, how i missed you. I whispered to myself.

Come. Take your clothes off. He said.

I did and joined him in the bed. His lips are tight. Not saying anything. He pushed my head down on his chest...on his abdomen...on his manhood.

He moaned with pleasures...I did everything...I wanted to make up for everything....He's my God and I am his slave.

I love this guy and I want him to forgive me. I want him to take me back. He's here and it made me real happy.

But am I really happy?

I was on top of him and I'm about to kiss him when he moved away his lips. Pushing my face away...

No, no kissing. He said.

Pain rushed through my face down to my chest and ended inside my heart. Slicing my heart. I felt it bleed.

We could have sex, but no kissing. Is that it? I said.

Let's just get over this ok? he answered.

And in seconds he shifted our positions and he was on top of me. Sliding himself inside of me. Pushing. Rushing. In ravage. A dance that we used to dance. A kind of dance that I don't know how anymore.

A dance to inflict pain. A dance to punish.

In minutes later, he was gasping, heavily breathing. He was finished.

And all this time all I did was just stared at him. His lovely face. His tightly sealed lips. His burning eyes.

I wanna touched them. I wanna remove all the anger, all those mixed emotions I've seen in his eyes. Did I turned him into something so evil?

But, I love him so much...I asked for his forgiveness...am I not worth forgiving? Did he stop loving me already?

I was still on the bed looking blankly at him when he started wearing his clothes again on the floor.

Tears fell down on my eyes when I've heard the door closes. He left. He's done with my punishment. He's done with breaking my heart once again.

Two days later and the same thing happened. He texted me. He arrived. He took me to my room. He undressed himself. He fucked. He came. He left.

He didn't even look at me. He didn't even bother talking to me. He avoided my lips again.

I was just an outlet. I was just a fucking shit to him. A fucking machine. When he felt like fucking, he's turned on and off. I felt like a whore.

But why do I still love him? Why do I still wish he'd come back to me and all of this shall pass.

But that's the last time I've seen him. He never called. Never texted me. Never came back. Maybe he got tired of punishing me.

I never thought a loving guy that I love is capable of this. He was so gentle and caring...

And I looked at the mirror and seen my reflection...I never thought I would look like this. Empty.

I was literally thrown into the floor in pieces. I've never seen or knew pain this much. Pain became my boarder. He became my companion. He lives inside me for a long time.

And this is me in the mirror.


Broken.







To Mark. Thank you for introducing me to Mr. Pain hehehe. For the greatest pain I've received 6 years ago, Thank you for making me stronger. You made me realized, how much I could love a person so deeply that it hurts. I didn't know I'm capable of that. Wow. And I forgave you since. That's how I moved on. I forgave you.

How are you by the way? Hope you're alright. If not, good for you! chos! Ampalaya pa din pala?LOL

Circle

Its funny how I chase someone, an ex who admittedly still has special feelings for me but won't accept me back....

and on the other hand...another ex who "seems" to be having feelings for me wants me back (?)



Isn't it ironic?

Sex Could Ruin Everything

Late na ko nagising kinabukasan. Nakahiga pa din kaming dalawa ni Brian sa kama. Di ako kumikilos para bumangon, tinatamad pa ko. Naalala ko ang nagdaan gabi. Napangiti ako. Nakatulog pala kami magkayakap.

"Nahihiya ka pa kagabi ha..yayakap ka din pala!" si Brian habang tumatawa, gising na din pala si gago.

"asus! Ikaw naman, gustong gusto! halatang halatang nasasarapan!" ganting tukso ko

"ang kapal mo! if I know ikaw unang kinilig!"

"ah ganun ha!" niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit mula sa likod at idiniin ko ang etits na tumigas na naman sa puwitan nya!haha! Tapos kunyari sinisibasib ko ng halik ang leeg at batok nya habang todo iwas naman siya na kiliting kiliti sa ginagawa ko.

"Shhhh! Wag ka maingay! Maririnig nila tayo sa labas hahaha!" pigil ko sa pagtawa niya."halika, sex na tayo, tignan mo, libog na ko..."

"ayaw ko nga! friends tayo noh" sagot nya.

"e ano naman?! e di fucking friends!" biro ko pa.

Sinubukan ko siya halikan ulit pero parang wala na nga akong maramdaman na kakaiba. It felt weird. Awkward. Di ko na lang tinuloy pa. Nagkwentuhan nalang kami na magkayakap sa kama. Binalikan ang mga moments na nakakatawa. Mga personal na nangyari sa buhay buhay.

Talaga sigurong magkaibigan nalang kami ngayon. Tama siya. Mas ok na kami ng ganito, di kami nag aaway, at di na dapat gawing komplikado ang lahat. Sex could ruin everything. Kaya pinigilan ko nalang sarili ko. Mas mahalaga ang friendship namin ngayon.

Pagkatapos mag lunch, dumiretso na kami sa Enchanted Kingdom. After 3 years nakabalik din ako dun haha. Sobra kaming nag enjoy sa mga rides. Nagsuka pa yun friend ko after sumakay sa anchor's away!hahaha! Kakahiya!!! after nun itinakwil ko na siya! chos!

Alas onse na ng gabi kami nakauwi. Lahat pagod pero masaya. Nauna na natulog si Brian, bukas na siya uuwi. Pagpasok ko sa room at makita siyang nakahiga, biglang tumirik na naman ang di dapat tumirik!LOL

Napabuntung hininga nalang ako at pumasok sa banyo at naglabas ng init ng katawan! ayoko pa naman ginagawa sa banyo yun! hindi komportable! pero wala ng ibang venue e! Gusto ko sana couch! LOL.

Paulit ulit na sinasabi sa sarili na: sex could ruin everything-sex could ruin everything. Saka ako pumasok sa room at nahiga sa tabi nya para matulog.

Malapit na ko makatulog nang maramdaman ko ang braso nya na yumayakap sakin. Gumanti ako ng yakap saka sinubukan matulog ulit.

UnBreak My Heart

I fell in love

I was happy

We made a love story

We made a dream for us

He broke my trust

I am in pain

I am hurting

We need some time off. I told him. To think.
To see if I could still trust him.
But one thing is sure. I still love him.

Why do we always hurt the ones we love?

"Mahal na mahal kita...nagkamali ako, oo admitted ko yun...alam ko ang feeling ng mawalan, at ayoko na maulit yun. Siguro sa cool off na to, papayag ako...pinukol na din ako ng sarili kong bato sa ulo. Pero sana, mahanap mo sa puso mo yung mapatawad ako at ituloy yung kung saan tayo mapuputol. Kasi i love you. And i mean it."

(I love you so much...I know its my fault, I wont deny it...I know how it feels to lose someone, and I don't want that to happen again. I may have agreed on this time off, but i do hope that you could find in your heart to forgive me. Because I love you. and I mean it.)

His last words.

Love Limits...

What's the boarder line between love and money?

I was asked one time by a straight colleague, when he found out that my boyfriend is in Manila, that I obviously sends money to him. For his maintenance and to keep him from looking to other guys. I mean that's absurd!

I don't have a problem treating my special someone over dinner or dates, or giving gifts on special occasions, but asking or borrowing money is a different thing!

Clayton came from an average family, having a small business, and he is earning more than enough from his job. I know I'm safe with him!

Money is not easy to find these days. It was hard-earned. Not given to you easily. Money is a very sensitive issue to me now. Many gay people have been fooled by love...took advantage of their love...

I learned my lesson some time ago. I've been used. Borrowed money from me and never paid me back. Now I realized I'm stupid for trusting. At least its over now, before its too late. He took advantage of my millions LOL!

Nakakadala na magtiwala kasi...

I told myself, I'm gonna have this rule: I won't involve money on any relationship I'm going to have next time. Money changes everything.

"But what if, if... your boyfriend now, the one you really love....is in a very difficult financial crisis, lets say, a family member being very sick, or an accident at the hospital now, their resources have run out or something and you're the only one who could help him...would you're rule still applies?" my straight colleague have asked me.

Honestly, I wasn't able to answer that.

It took me a long time to answer.

Well, maybe if its really a matter of life and death I would gladly help. But not to shoulder everything...I guess.

I saw a grin on his face as if telling me: "See, you still gonna give!"

Last Date,Last Kiss,Last Sex!!!

The lampshade was the only source of light on that dark room. I was watching Mamma Mia over my laptop last night, its my first time to see it. Some scenes made me laugh and some made me cry. I was sitting on the bed and my back at the headboard from time to time I have to switch attention to the monitor and to the one on my arms.

He was snoring like an old car engine who wouldn't start. But I didn't mind if I can't understand some dialogue from the movie with his snoring...I just kept my body still so that I won't wake him. I know he is tired as hell.

I remembered him rushing to see me last Saturday night from the mall. He's almost 2 hours late. Its our last date. Last time together. On his semi formal attire, sweating, tired, and looked...So...maasim! LOL!

(well, its hot last night and he's been up since 10am for a meeting at work till 6:00 o'clock and he have to travel all the way from Cubao to Alabang plus the fact the I might be so mad as hell which added to his already stressful day)

I don't have the heart not let him rest for a while.
We are in a hotel room and its late.
Technically this is our last night, last f*ck! haha.
But I think the best term for this night is, bonding time.

Well, that's the plan. A whole day and night
Together, me and him. Just us.
Doesn't have to be sexual all night. But a real time.
A time to talk. To kiss a little. To kiss a lot.

To laugh...to hug each other tightly...
To suck...to f*ck....hahaha!
Nagmumurahan din kami minsan-minsan, you know!
And a little pitik sa ilong if someone gets annoying or cheesy.

The best part above all this, I have him in my arms all the time. Its like I don't wanna miss a thing (kanta yun a!) Its like I want to take all the chance to hold him and hug him so close to my body. I want to savour each minute and save it in my mind...and play it again when I'm away.

I looked at him and I see a person so annoying for snoring so loud. That I wanna pinch his nose so that he wont be able to breath...and struggle for air. So that I'll laugh so hard if he die! Just kidding! hahaha! I just have to kiss his forehead and sigh...

And oh, I finally told him that I love him for the first time
It was this Sunday morning, both naked
I looked at him in the eyes while I was on top of him
And said: "ohhhh...ahhh...shit Clayton....I loooooove....youuuuu.....ohhh"

"I love you too, Mac..." he whispered

I want to regret saying it after he came and didn't wait for me! I feel like getting my machine gun and shoot him in the nose! I punched him like over and over again saying "kaasar ka! kaasar ka! " But its alright I came after a few minutes after I flipped him anyway.LOL

A Few Days More

6 days...

6 days left and I'm leaving again...

I want to stop the time, I don't want August 4 to come...yet.

32 days...a month of vacation, and is passing by so quickly...damn!

(When I think of how much money I spent, napapa iling nalang ako! haha)

Its giving me sleepless nights...

I tried to ignore it, but I'm really sad.

I thought I would be unaffected anymore since its my second time.

But I was wrong. So wrong.

Now, I'm showing a strong unaffected face towards my family.

Noticed my sister and dad becoming extra attentive to me. Great feeling though.

I am preparing everything, documents, stuffs to bring (yun mga sineyaping ko!haha)

All those "pabilin" and pasalubong for my friends at Doha.

And I'm also preparing my heart...I will be leaving a loving soul...

My baby-baby...hehe. I call him that. Parang tanga lang di ba?LOL

I never got the chance to tell Clayton that I love him yet...

Maybe this Saturday when we check-in again! yahoooo!

Or maybe on our last dinner ever this coming Monday...

We made a promise that we'll make it till next year when I come home again

...and the next coming year

...and up till the next. :-)

Revelation

My mind was made up already when I came in this country to work, that there would be no secret about who I am, about what I am. I don't wanna stress my self anymore on hiding the truth to my Filipino colleague. I'm done with that. I am out to my close friends, but majority are still guessing.

You know, that gut feeling that people talk behind your back asking "is he gay?" and you would do everything to prove them that you're not. You would check on your speech, on your hand gestures, on your walking, or even practice how to scream like a man when watching a horror flick when there's a scary scene!LOL

That's all too stressful!

So I decided, new country, new work place, new people, its high time to start "HONESTLY". I don't mean like announcing to every one or dressing like a she-male! that would get me to prison! toink!

I would still be my own self. But only transparent. I slowly revealed my self, one at a time, like one time I was having dinner with one colleague and I said "damn, I miss my ex boyfriend..." she almost choked after!LOL

Until words passed to one another blah-blah, some said they had a clue already and some doesn't have the slightest idea. They even had a surprise of their life when one of them are mismatching me with this straight guy and I bluntly said :" no, no, I only date gay guys too...."

"Whaaaat?" they asked in chorus with eyes wide open haha. I was like: are these people came from the Jurassic era?! They don't know that there's such a thing as gay to gay relationship. That concept was so new to them. They even expect me to wear make up or to love girly stuffs!waaaaa! I'm still very much of a man! I just love to love a...man.

At least now they knew, thanks to me they gained new information LOL! So, now I feel very free, no worries, no fear of thinking people might think I'm this or like that. Its a wonderful feeling to go to a workplace where you could be your self and wont be denying who you really are.

One Day Soon

I am blessed with some of the good things in this world.

Only one thing that is missing in my life...

You.

Is it too selfish to pray to have you? Will our creator thinks that I asked too much? is it true if your successful at your respective careers, it is to expect your love life would suck? That you cannot have it all?

Oh, I wanna come home right this moment and give him a big hug, been longing to kiss the side of his lips before I could take them fully with my own lips...

I hope fate could give us the chance to be together...the guy that I have been praying for all my life, the guy I know who could love me, and I could love till our hair turns gray...

I could only hope and dream of you each night on my side and say: No matter what the day turned out to be, good or bad, whenever you open that door, I will be forever someone you could come home to.

One day soon.