Ang Kupal Mo Lang

When did you realize you were gay?

Or have accepted it?

I was in grade two when the confusion started...

When I was growing up I always think there's something wrong with me. In gradeschool, I was very shy, very close to my mom, I played inside the house with my sister.

I only have one friend, Bert.

Who is very straight by the way hehe.I have a hard time blending with other boys, I always have this feeling that why can't I naturally join them when they play or hang out....it was so difficult for me.It took me a lot of effort to blend in.

I tried so hard to be accepted, but my classmates knew that I'm not like them, they tease, they call me names...you know how cruel kids could be.

I end up playing with my girls classmates, playing Chinese garter, jack stone, paper dolls! which I'm so good at designing their clothes haha. I wanna be a fashion designer when I grow up, told myself! LOL

But I enjoyed playing cars and airplanes too with Bert, he used to come to our house to ask me to play, he was my best friend back then, we go to the same classroom from grade 1 to high school. I don't know, but I always wanted Bert by my side...I had this strange sensations every time my arms or hands rubbed against his...

I found it weird. I was 9 or 10 at that time. I don't even want him to play with other kids. I'll threaten him that I won't speak with him again if he disobey me and would feel very powerful whenever he follows me. Yeah, back then I was a jealous-insecure-manipulative bitch! LOL

God knows I really tried so hard to be straight. I don't want it. I get so mad when someone call me "gay".

My dad was a complete reminder of that, he suspected that I'm gay and he's so furious whenever he sees me with some signs and symptoms of gayness! LOL.

He was so happy when he sees me playing with Bert. For him Bert was a good influence on my masculinity.

Little did he know, I have sexual desires for Bert! siya una kong pinagnasaan, Oo ate Charo.

I wanna see his penis! I wanna see it!!!

One time, I said to Bert

"Tuli na ko Bert" my heart was beating so fast with my plan

"Really? I don't believe you! let me see!"

And I showed my uncut penis at him

"Nah! stop fooling around! you're supot pa like me!

"Can I see yours?" I was dying with anticipation

Its just the two of us at our house that afternoon after school. He pulled down his pants. I couldn't take away my eyes from his dick.

We sat there at the corner, pants down and both inspecting our penises! I pulled the foreskin of my penis and saw the whitish smelly thing on top of it "kupal" he said (smegma)

I wiped it with my finger and to his surprised I put it on his nose!

all of them!!!

I swear, I could still imagine the horror on his face when he realized what's on top of his nose!

When I saw him pulling his foreskin too and scooping his kupal I've realized he'll get even!!!

I ran!!!

He chased me outside the house and was laughing my ass off when he reached for my nose! I covered my face with my hands and he failed!

But some of his kupal was on my hands! I smelled it and I screamed: Ang bahoooooo!!!LOL!

Good thing I have more kupal (oo kupalin ata ako noon) to put at his nose and chased him again!LOL.

Ah! Childhood memories!



excerpt from my post "Gay Childhood, March 2009"

***

It was after college that I finally accepted it...No more dramas, no more pretentions, its time for acceptance. And I embraced the word GAY in my life.

Its just up to me on how will I live my life. I struggled for acceptance from my family and friends, step by step I know I've gained their confidence and trust that I would not screw up my life just because I'm gay.

Tawa pa ako ng tawa nun sinabi ng sister ko na baka naman magladlad ka na ha! For her kasi, kapag nagladlad na, mag papalda na ko, magme-make up...kekembot kembot sa kalsada at babastusin ng mga lalake. Hindi naman ako naging ganun. Powder lang ganyan!LOL

Bading naman tayong lahat, iba iba nga lang ng preferences, effem, straight acting, cross dresser...

Lahat naman tayo gusto ng katawan ng lalaki...lahat, lalo na ng titi! charot!

How about you guys? When did you realize that you are not straight at all? When did you accept it?

A Father And Son Story

Are you close to your father? -I'm not.

Do you love your father? -I don't.

Do you hate your father? -not anymore.

I know you're curious about my answers.

Well, me and my dad had a very long history of disagreements and fights. We have this great big wall between us, its too late to break it now. Even if he's trying to reach out for me, I just can't restart all over it again with him.

I just can't find it in my heart.

When I was a kid: I like to watch Variety shows. That time it was Sharon Cuneta's variety show! LOL! (Blame my mom she idolized her!)

He gets mad at me. He wants me to watch NBA or PBA!

I like staying home and read magazines and gossips and celebrities and all. He gets mad. He wants me to play with the boys outside.

He wants me to play ball....But I played my friend's balls. LOL

For him, its a disappointment to have a son like me. He can never accept me. He was embarrased of me. His friends....his brothers...all teased him to have a "malamya son" like me.

So he will get back at me.

He yelled at me. I yelled at him.

He said fucked you. I said fuck you too.

He pushed me. I pushed him back.

Everyday was like hell for many years.

Mom, defended me. They would fight.

I left home and lived with my aunts. He would check me out, because my mom wanted him to.

I hate him so much then. I wanted to put him in an elderly home when he reached old age and will let him rot in hell. And not attend his funeral.

Many years have passed. I'm older. He's older....somehow I felt, that he accepted my preferences.

I forgave him.

I saw change in him.

I see him everyday.

But he's just an ordinary person to me now...

Like a neighbor...

Like a boarder at home....

He's nice too me.

But I'm just civil.

He asked something. I answer. Just One word.

I assessed my self. I'm not angry anymore. I just don't feel anything about him.

We can't be friends.

If he dies, maybe... I'll cry.

Maybe not.

One things is for sure.

I'll die for my Mom.

***

This is a re-post from February of 2009. Exactly three years ago. Funny, I still feel the same way about him.

No Pretentions

I heard someone was talking to my sister earlier and that someone just sounds so....gay, intrigued that I went to see who it was, he's so loud and proud, even on his get-up, only the dead wont know that he is gay. His gay lingo is so much far advanced than mine. Its like he's from college and I'm still on elementary kind of thing haha. I must admit I don't know much about gay lingo,I don't use them much, the only words I know are itech, chuvaness, chukchak, luz valdez, chika and my favorite chaka LOL!

Anyway, he lives a few houses from us. I saw that kid grow up, I think he's about 21 now. A full pledge nurse now. At a young age he knew and his family knew that he will be a full blown-BB Gandanghari some day.But they didn't mind, in fact they tolerated his gayness to the bones! When he was 5, I remembered his mom carrying him with a pink ribbon on his hair that you could actually thought that he was a girl.

Don-don is his name by the way,they call him Donna now haha.I thought maybe his parents are longing for a baby girl when the mother was still pregnant on him, since their eldest daughter is old enough and with three other male kids. At 8 I saw him dancing with a baton which he excellently knew how to swings and turns with his hands. His macho brothers are not even angry at him, instead they adored him.They didn't get mad when people telling them "oh you brother is gay", they would just answer "yeah, I know".

Seeing Don-don now with his heavy face-foundation and tight-fitting blouse with a fake LV shoulder bag made me smile at him. In fact I feel envious about him. He don't need to pretend to be someone he's not. He don't need to play straight in front of other people. He don't need to worry how to come out to his family that he's gay.No closet issue.It was a problem solved ages ago.His family accepted who he was all along.

It was easy for him.He didn't have the struggles I had growing up. He didn't had those identity crisis. He didn't have to try to have a girlfriend.He knew he's gay. Period.

With that I'm happy for him.

I just hope I'm like him...

Minus the heavy face foundation and the tight-fitting blouse LOL!