Like A Stone

In a few days, I'll be at Qatar, well that is, if I don't encounter any problem prior to my flight!LOL. So I'm thinking positive now.

In a few days, I'll be on a new environment, a place where I don't know anyone...culture and language so unknown to me..

In a few days, I'll be waking up on a totally different room and house....no annoying sister, no stubborn 5 year old nephew and no alcoholic father too LOL!

In a few days, I'll be on the hospital laboratory and halls once again. A familiar scent that I'm so used to...

In a few days, I'll be around death again...people are surviving and some are dying...a fact that I have accepted long time ago...

In a few days, I have to put up a strong face when someone dies and prevent myself from being affected...a front that took me a long time to master...

I remembered the first time someone died on my hand...My first week on my job (what is an RT?). I was resuscitating this old woman, a patient on one of our ward that was so loved by her children...she suffered a heart attack and I was called together with a team of nurses and did the code blue...but its her time...the doctor pronounced the time of death..

Suddenly this woman rushed unto me crying, grabbed my arm and begged "please don't stop..keep on resuscitating her...don't stop please...please" the other kids are hysterical...just like in the movies, only that this is real, you could feel their emotions, their anguish, their loss...

She went at her lifeless mother lying on the bed and she started compressing her chest just like what she saw me doing ,as if she could revive her dead mother. I stand still, there's nothing we or I could do...I excused my self and went at the bathroom, there, I let the tears that I was holding back while ago to flow freely...It really affected me....

My first death.I was so affected.

Time goes by, sometimes everyday, weekly, someone dies on our duty and I began to be emotionless, unaffected, playing tough, playing professional. Like a stone.

That's why whenever I see a patient survived death and came out of the ICU, where I spent most of my duty, it gives me so much happiness knowing I was part of his/her wellness.

There was this rich patient that survived her near death experience from a fatal car accident and gave our team 5oo pesos each after a month of being discharged. She's so thankful to us. She considered us her "heroes".

Hmm, I wonder why only 5oo?Kidding!!!!!!!!