Sa Araw Araw

Sa araw araw natin pag uusap, somehow nasanay ako na lagi kang may good morning, may goodnight...

May concern sa mga messages mo. Na labis ko ikinatuwa. Na sinuklian ko din naman ng kapwa pag aalala sayo diyan.

Minsan nga inaabot pa tayo ng gabi sa pagkukuwentuhan na wala naman mga katuturan. Kinikilig ako sa mga pambobola mo. Sanay na sanay ka na siguro sabi ko pa sayo, at ako naman ay nagpapadala lang. Nagpaikot.

Nangingiti nalang ako minsan mag isa kapag may sinabi kang nakakataba ng puso ko at nakakahiya man aminin, masaya ako kapag kausap kita.

Sa loob ng mahigit dalawang buwan, sa araw araw nating pag uusap, somehow umasa ako...

Umasa ako na somehow, may namumuo na sa pagitan nating dalawa...sa araw araw nating pag uusap...nahuhulog ako...

Nag iiba ang damdamin ko sa yo.

May kakaibang pintig ng puso...

At akala ko ay alam mo iyon.

Hanggang isang araw, nagtapat ka.

Sinabi mong may kahati na ang puso mo'ng iba.

Nabigla ako.

Nasaktan ng tunay.

Pakiramdam ko, nagdugo ang puso ko sa mga sinabi mo.

I felt cheated.

Sana sinabi mo agad nang sa gayon ay di umabot sa ganito ang nararamdaman ko para sa 'yo.

Akala ko alam mo ang damdamin ko sa yo...mali pala ako.

Masakit mabigo...masakit umasa ng sobra.

Hindi ka din pala iba sa kanila....

Marunong ka din pala manakit Mac...

Bakit ngayong wala na kayo, pagkalipas lamang ng ilang araw ay heto kang muli at nakikipag kaibigan sa akin na as if walang nangyari? Bakit nagtataka ka na kahit papaano'y may inilagay akong pader sa pagitan natin?

Hindi na ako nag gu-goodmorning o kaya nama'y nauunang mag message sayo sa oras na mahawakan ko ang aking telepono...

Manhid ka ba talaga?

Hindi ganun kadaling ibalik ang lahat...Hindi ganun ang mga bagay...hindi ganun ang damdamin ko...hindi isang laruan ang damdamin ng tao na maari mong itapon at muling pulutin kapag wala ng ibang mapaglaruan.

Maybe, in time maibabalik din ang dati nating samahan, ang masasayang oras...pero hindi pa ngayon.

Hindi pa ngayon.

Your friend,

رجل من الجنوب

Ang Kupal Mo Lang

When did you realize you were gay?

Or have accepted it?

I was in grade two when the confusion started...

When I was growing up I always think there's something wrong with me. In gradeschool, I was very shy, very close to my mom, I played inside the house with my sister.

I only have one friend, Bert.

Who is very straight by the way hehe.I have a hard time blending with other boys, I always have this feeling that why can't I naturally join them when they play or hang out....it was so difficult for me.It took me a lot of effort to blend in.

I tried so hard to be accepted, but my classmates knew that I'm not like them, they tease, they call me names...you know how cruel kids could be.

I end up playing with my girls classmates, playing Chinese garter, jack stone, paper dolls! which I'm so good at designing their clothes haha. I wanna be a fashion designer when I grow up, told myself! LOL

But I enjoyed playing cars and airplanes too with Bert, he used to come to our house to ask me to play, he was my best friend back then, we go to the same classroom from grade 1 to high school. I don't know, but I always wanted Bert by my side...I had this strange sensations every time my arms or hands rubbed against his...

I found it weird. I was 9 or 10 at that time. I don't even want him to play with other kids. I'll threaten him that I won't speak with him again if he disobey me and would feel very powerful whenever he follows me. Yeah, back then I was a jealous-insecure-manipulative bitch! LOL

God knows I really tried so hard to be straight. I don't want it. I get so mad when someone call me "gay".

My dad was a complete reminder of that, he suspected that I'm gay and he's so furious whenever he sees me with some signs and symptoms of gayness! LOL.

He was so happy when he sees me playing with Bert. For him Bert was a good influence on my masculinity.

Little did he know, I have sexual desires for Bert! siya una kong pinagnasaan, Oo ate Charo.

I wanna see his penis! I wanna see it!!!

One time, I said to Bert

"Tuli na ko Bert" my heart was beating so fast with my plan

"Really? I don't believe you! let me see!"

And I showed my uncut penis at him

"Nah! stop fooling around! you're supot pa like me!

"Can I see yours?" I was dying with anticipation

Its just the two of us at our house that afternoon after school. He pulled down his pants. I couldn't take away my eyes from his dick.

We sat there at the corner, pants down and both inspecting our penises! I pulled the foreskin of my penis and saw the whitish smelly thing on top of it "kupal" he said (smegma)

I wiped it with my finger and to his surprised I put it on his nose!

all of them!!!

I swear, I could still imagine the horror on his face when he realized what's on top of his nose!

When I saw him pulling his foreskin too and scooping his kupal I've realized he'll get even!!!

I ran!!!

He chased me outside the house and was laughing my ass off when he reached for my nose! I covered my face with my hands and he failed!

But some of his kupal was on my hands! I smelled it and I screamed: Ang bahoooooo!!!LOL!

Good thing I have more kupal (oo kupalin ata ako noon) to put at his nose and chased him again!LOL.

Ah! Childhood memories!



excerpt from my post "Gay Childhood, March 2009"

***

It was after college that I finally accepted it...No more dramas, no more pretentions, its time for acceptance. And I embraced the word GAY in my life.

Its just up to me on how will I live my life. I struggled for acceptance from my family and friends, step by step I know I've gained their confidence and trust that I would not screw up my life just because I'm gay.

Tawa pa ako ng tawa nun sinabi ng sister ko na baka naman magladlad ka na ha! For her kasi, kapag nagladlad na, mag papalda na ko, magme-make up...kekembot kembot sa kalsada at babastusin ng mga lalake. Hindi naman ako naging ganun. Powder lang ganyan!LOL

Bading naman tayong lahat, iba iba nga lang ng preferences, effem, straight acting, cross dresser...

Lahat naman tayo gusto ng katawan ng lalaki...lahat, lalo na ng titi! charot!

How about you guys? When did you realize that you are not straight at all? When did you accept it?

Mag-LasLas

Pabalik na sana ako ng unit namin nun makita kong abala si pinoy x-ray tech sa harap ng machine nya sa hallway. Nag eenter daw ng mga data. High tech lang ang x-ray machine niya ha infairness! May preview na sa screen ng results bago isalin sa film! at touch screen! Bonggels!

Si Emerson. Bago bago pa siya dito. Mga 3 months ganyan. May asawa at 3 anak sa pinas. Straight daw. Ewan baka nga, madalas kasing nasablay ang gaydar ko e! hahaha.

Tuwing magkikita kami grabe lang ang enthusiasm nya! or ganun lang talaga siya? parang hyper kapag magkausap kami.

Hinaharot harot ko sya minsan, errrr, sige na nga medyo madalas! LOL Pero mas cute yun isa si Theo! mejo chubby hihihi.

Pero anyway, si Emerson ang andito so, pagtiyagaan na! chos!

Dinikitan ko siya at kunyari interesado matuto sa pag ek ek ng machine. Hanggang sa kakatanung ko napunta ang usapan sa kung ano pinag kakaabalahan nya kapag off siya. Nagbabasketball daw. Naks, lakas makalalake, basketball!

"Kainis naman kasi manood ng basketball games ng mga player ng hospital! Madalas naka shirt sa ilalim ng sando ala na ko makitang kili kili !" biro ko pa

"Ah ako nakasando ako kapag naglaro, kaya dapat manood ka kapag kalaban namin lalo yung department nyo!"

Natanung ko pa kung nag wowork out ba siya, hindi daw, mga simpleng exercise lang ginagawa nya...sabay kapa ko sa braso nya. Pinisil-pisil...

"Matigas naman a..."

Hindi nya malaman kung pano magrereact sa ginawa ko hahaha! Na-overpower ko si mokong! LOL

Parang gusto nya sumigaw ng "waaaaaa! help! si mac o!" Pero di nya ginawa dahil malamang gusto din nya na pinipisil pisil ko ang package! chosssssssssss!

Madalas lang daw siya nasa bahay. Minsan lang lumabas.

"Malamang puro ka lang bateh"

Muntik na siyang masamid sa narinig. At kita ko na nagkakandamali mali na siya ng pag eenter ng data sa screen ng machine nya!

"Oy mag focus ka nga diyan!"

"E pano naman ako mag focus sa mga sinasabi mo!" sabi nya na natatawa.

Asus ikaw pa! Mukhang lagi mo naman ginagawa yun! Lahat naman ata ng andito na lalake sa middle east at walang asawa nagbabateh noh!

E ano pa ba gagawin dito e di magbateh!

Char!

Hanggang sa nagulat ako at siya na mismo nagkukuwento!

"Yun isang kasamahan ko na pinoy pinahiram ako ng external hard drive na puno ng porn! Punong puno. Inuwi ko at pinanood..."

"O, siyempre alam na!"

"aba oo ano pa nga ba magagawa, e di ilabas at magsalsal!"

Ako naman ang natawa sa term na ginamit nya!

Nag init ako by the way he said it...iba ang dating sa kin. Tinigasan ako. Promise.

Napapalingon tuloy ako sa likuran namin kung may dumadaan at nakakarinig sa kabalahuraan ng pinag uusapan namin!

Nasa hallway kami at umi-echo pa ang mga boses namin!!!

May isang dumaan pero. Bumbay naman. So keribels lang. Tuloy siya ng kwento.

"Sarap potah! tapos nun sympre pagod, ang sarap ng tulog ko...tapos, nun magising, ayun na naman binuksan ko na naman! Siyempre salsal ulet!"

This time tawang tawa na ko! Ang kulet lang ni gago!

"E night shift pa ko nung time na yun, bago pumasok nanood na naman ako! inilabas ko na naman at nagsalsal bago umalis ng bahay!"

"Taena ka ang libog mo! haha"

"Nun pagdating ko sa work ng night shift, ayun na shet..."

"Ano?nagsalsal ka din while on duty???" nanlalake mata ko nun magtanung

"Oy hindi naman! nun nasa duty na ko ayun na, hinang hina ako..para akong lalagnatin! Nasobrahan ata ako."

Di ko na naman napigilan mapatawa ng wagas!

"After non, isinoli ko na yun hard drive taena makasalanan yun Mac! Ayoko na sa bahay ko yun!"

Nagtatawanan pa din kami nun biglang nag-click at bumukas yun nakasaradong pinto ng In-house-nursing-supervisor!

Katabing katabi lang namin ang opisina nya!

Shetness! May tao pala dun!

Malamang rinig na rinig nya ang lahat ng pinag uusapan namin sa umi-echo na hallway!

Ang masaklap pa...

Pinoy ang duty!

si Ate Rose!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Nagkatinginan nalang kami nun nilampasan nya kaming dalawa na as if ala kami dun!


Nakokowhiyaaaa!


"Ikaw kasi!!!!" siniko at nilayasan ko ang balahurang si Emerson!

***

P.S

E kayo? do you masturbate while watching porn? LOL



(I've found an interesting article about guys who masturbate too much haha. Read HERE. )

A Father And Son Story

Are you close to your father? -I'm not.

Do you love your father? -I don't.

Do you hate your father? -not anymore.

I know you're curious about my answers.

Well, me and my dad had a very long history of disagreements and fights. We have this great big wall between us, its too late to break it now. Even if he's trying to reach out for me, I just can't restart all over it again with him.

I just can't find it in my heart.

When I was a kid: I like to watch Variety shows. That time it was Sharon Cuneta's variety show! LOL! (Blame my mom she idolized her!)

He gets mad at me. He wants me to watch NBA or PBA!

I like staying home and read magazines and gossips and celebrities and all. He gets mad. He wants me to play with the boys outside.

He wants me to play ball....But I played my friend's balls. LOL

For him, its a disappointment to have a son like me. He can never accept me. He was embarrased of me. His friends....his brothers...all teased him to have a "malamya son" like me.

So he will get back at me.

He yelled at me. I yelled at him.

He said fucked you. I said fuck you too.

He pushed me. I pushed him back.

Everyday was like hell for many years.

Mom, defended me. They would fight.

I left home and lived with my aunts. He would check me out, because my mom wanted him to.

I hate him so much then. I wanted to put him in an elderly home when he reached old age and will let him rot in hell. And not attend his funeral.

Many years have passed. I'm older. He's older....somehow I felt, that he accepted my preferences.

I forgave him.

I saw change in him.

I see him everyday.

But he's just an ordinary person to me now...

Like a neighbor...

Like a boarder at home....

He's nice too me.

But I'm just civil.

He asked something. I answer. Just One word.

I assessed my self. I'm not angry anymore. I just don't feel anything about him.

We can't be friends.

If he dies, maybe... I'll cry.

Maybe not.

One things is for sure.

I'll die for my Mom.

***

This is a re-post from February of 2009. Exactly three years ago. Funny, I still feel the same way about him.

Nagtawag Ng Uwak

.

It was one of my closest friend's birthday party, Aimee, and everyone arranged their schedules to be there and have fun. I was one of them. I arrived a bit late and many guests are there already but I didn't mind. We're planning to stay late naman till the morning, iinom daw kami. I'll just hang in there and enjoy the party.

Its been weeks since I last went out. Its been all work and sleep for me recently. We've been doing 12hr shift almost everyday at work. Nakakapagod din pala yun walang diversion.

Its exciting to see my former colleagues from the general hospital. Nakaka-miss din sila! I wanna hug the celebrant for inviting those cutie nurses from the medical icu too! hahaha! Naconscious ako ng slight ganyan! I like Geoff and Mitchell!



But when Jordan started singing and dancing along with the videoke, I was on fire! damn! I love the way he swayed his hips! Nakakalibog ang bulge nya sa fitted maong nya!

My friends are laughing when I was the one choosing sexy songs for Jordan to sing! alam na! basta gusto ko yun gigiling siya! Toink!

I was talking to Dino and I thought, damn, his breath was awful! amoy tae! then I realized that the smell was coming from the Papaitan he's eating! napatawa naman ako! Ke-baho pala nun! LOL

Parang pinagbabaran ng isang linggong panty na ginamit ng celebrant ang amoy! I don't like it! ewwwww!

"Langya ka Mac, mabango hininga ko gago ka!" when I've told him what I thought of his breath.

Some of the guests are just beside the big tv screen and watching ASAP, how boring they look like! Walang tv sa knila? deprived?

Anywayz, I thanked Aimee for having my favorite Menudo at the table. She's really a sweetheart. I requested for it though and pinagbigyan naman nya ko! I missed it terribly! As in! At saka yun ginataang kuhol! hayyyy.....love! LOL

The party was a success! I thought the visitors are coming endlessly! But when the clock hits midnight, it was only us there! Our group! and the real party began!

We started drinking tequila, tagayan galore na, and Oden was slicing the lemon at the corner. He's drunk because he's using chopstick in eating the fish crackers na as in!

"hey Mac its your turn na!" Oden told me. Then I would gladly drink my turn. And with just seconds the shot glass was in front of me again! Nalingat lang ako, its my turn again? WTF!

"Whats this? is it my turn again?????"

"yeah! we did ours already! drink your's Mac, dont cheat!" it was chris.

So I would drink my glass of tequila and would go back flirting and talking to Geoff beside me and Oden would call me again and telling me its my turn again!

"We didn't see you drinking!"

"I did drink my shot last time!"

"No! maybe you gave it to Geoff!"

So ako naman iinumin...and huling huli ko silang nagtatalikuran tuwing iinom ako!

Mga walangya!

dinadaya ako!

di nga naman nila ko nakikita! kasi natalikod sila pasimple!

Napagbabatukan ko nga ang mga ugok!

I saw a bottle of Napoleon, me and Fatima poured a glass of it and drank a few. That's the time that I felt that I'm a bit dizzy! Nakakarami na ko ng naiinom!

Geoff was always on my side kaya naman siya lagi napapagtripan ko! I would ask him to remove his jacket and flex his arms for us...tapos his abs naman...ang hot lang!

I put a piece of fish cracker on my lips and told him that he should put the other end of it on his mouth! parang sa spaghetti lang ganyan, landian! hahaha

When he followed my instructions, I immediately ate the whole crackers and landing my lips on his lips!!!! Instant kiss on straight Geoff's lips!



Sa pagkabigla nya di nya malaman paano magre-react!!!

Tawa ako ng tawa! nakaisa ako!

Hindi matapos tapos ang pagpupunas niya ng lips nya when he realized what have just happened!

"Grabe ka naman Mac! Inisahan mo ko!" but he's such a good sport and we started drinking again!

I know that I'm drunk. Di ko na alam iniinom ko! jose cuervo pa ba or napoleon! kahit ano nalang! lagok kung lagok!

My face felt swolen and reddish...and I felt like sleeping na.

But I still continue on drinking and chatting and flirtin around! Mitchell was singing a song and holding my hand...I feel like melting right that moment! LOL




Few more minutes till I cannot handle it anymore! I went to the toilet and puke! waaaaaa! Sayang ang menudo!

I sat and asked my friend to go home. I told them I wanna sleep na and rest...I don't feel good at all. That's the time that they started teasing me na haha. Ako na ang pinagti-tripan! Mga gagong yun!

They took pictures of me wasted and drank! ginawa akong tourist attraction?

I was saying something when I felt like puking again! I ran to the toilet but couldn't make it! I saw the pre-digested food coming out of my mouth in front of my friends at the floor!!!!

I vomitted at the floor!

at the floor!

Please kill me now! LOL

The next day I had a bad hang over and checked facebook and saw my pictures!!!

shet!







Wag nyo ko husgahan! Oo nah! nakokowhiyaaaaaaaaa! LOL

Where's The Doctor? Where's The Doctor?

Nagkatawag ako sa emergency room kamaikailan lang para umattend ng code blue (may inatake sa puso), pagdating ko sa resuscitation room, sandamakmak ang mga kamag anak nun pasyente, halos di nga ako makadaan sa dami nila! Oa lang sa dami! Hinanap ko agad ang guard at tinanung ang nurse kung bakit andaming audience participation at ba't di palabasin. Siguro nasa kinse ang total nun andun!

Ayaw daw makinig ng mga kupal. Puro sila lalake at nakasuot ng traditional arab dress (thobe). At obvious na magkakamag anak sila. Pare-pareho ng built ng katawan e! Puro payatot! (uyyy laki-titi? chos!




Mga taga dito sila sa bansang pinagtatrabahuhan ko. Meaning, hindi mo sila mapapasunod sa gusto mo. Bakit? E dayo lang kami dito e! Sila nagpapasahod sa amin! Yan! Ganyan attitude dito!

Ang nakakabuwisit pa, ang kukulit nila! Nangingialam pa e critical na nga yun ginagawa namin para buhayin yun kamag anak nila noh. At sinasabihan pa nya ko ng dapat ko gawin! E di naman nila naiintindihan kung ano ginagawa namin!

Nung nag iinsert na ng endotracheal tube yun manggagamot, aba akalain mo nakahawak pa siya at tumutulong ipasok! e docktor lang dapat mag-insert nun at kelangan ng skills. Muntik na ko mapabunghalit ng tawa!

Agad na hinawi nun doctor yun kamay nya at sinabi'ng tumabi ka nga! LOL

Nung mag-stabilized na yun patient agad kaming naghanda para itakbo siya sa ICU for close monitoring and management.

Nung hinugot ko yun saksak nun portable ventilator ko, sabi ba naman sakin nun isang ungas in arabic: bakit mo hinugot????! wala ng hangin ang tatay ko! isaksak mo!Isaksak mo!

Gusto ko sana sabihin! wag ka alala sasaksak ko sa ilong mo!

Naloka ko promise! E may internal battery kaya yun machine ko! Pinaliwanag ko na sa knya. Pilit niya isinasaksak yun cable ko! E hello, pano kaya kami lalakad kung nakasaksak sa wall yun ventilator! Kung gusto nya, tibagin nya yun dingding at isama niya ang saksakan palakad sa hallway! Burat! Ungas! LOL

At nang pwde na namin i-push yun stretcher palabas ng ER, sila na mismo nagmamadali itulak! Muntik na ko maiwan! ano taing-tae na? may lakad?

Tulak tulak ko kasi yun portable ventilator sa may ulunan ng patient. Sinesenyasan ako na bilisan ko daw! Iritang irita na ko!

Palingon lingon ako, sa isip isip ko, asan ang team ko? naiwan ang dalawang nurses at natabunan na ng sangdamukal na kamag anak! Asan ang doctor?

Nun nasa lift na at nag iintay bumakas ang pinto, sabi ko in my super modulated voice: "Wait, wait, we cannot go without our doctor! Where's the doctor? Where's the doctor?" Medyo may authority yan nun binigkas ko haha!

Epektib naman! Mukha naman silang na-intimidate sa pagpapanggap kong men na men ako!

Napatingin sa akin yung mga kupal. Takang taka bakit ko tinanung yun...Pero nagsalita pa din ako..."

wait, please call the nurse...the doctor!"

Tapos parang nahihiya'ng tinuturo sa kin nun isang payatot na kamag anak yun nasa tabi ko...medyo may takot...nakita ko nakatapat ang hintuturo nya sa tabi ko...parang sinasabi: andiyan siya sa tabi mo brother...

Nun titigan ko ang katabi ko...maitim...mukhang kargador...Pana...naka gown....may stet na nakasabit sa leeg...may ID ng hospital...

Aba akalain mo yun! Siya nga! Si doktor nga!

Toink!

Namula ako sa hiya ng mga slight-slight na ten seconds ganyan! Taena kasi naman, sa sobrang dami ng naka puti sa paligid ko e na-color blind na ata ako! At isa pa, di naman kasi kapasa-pasa na mukhang manggagamot itong sumama sa amin! Toink!

Kala ko e taga tulak lang din ng stretcher!

Nung makahabol yun dalawang nurse, agad na kami sumakay ng elevator, at talagang walang kamatayan ang pambubuwisit ng mga kupal, nagpupumilit sila sumiksik sa loob! Puno na kaya!

Ano? MRT????! LOL

Dali-dali silang naghanap ng ibang elevator.

Nakarating kami ng second floor at sinabihan ko ang mga kasama ko na bilisan namin at once makalampas na kami ng third door ng ICU agad na i-lock ang pinto!!!

Tawang tawa ako nun ang bilis humarurot nun stretcher namin at dali dali ikandado ang pinto! hahaha! Para lang kami nagpahabol sa aso!

Matatawa ka talaga sa itsura nila nung maiwan sila sa kabila ng pinto at marealized nila na kelangan ng card swipe sa door lock para makapasok sila!

Yes!!!

This is me at the ICU main entrance :-)